Slacker

Mood: a tad sad
Pain Scale: 5

Yes, lashing with a wet noodle!! I have been slacking with the updates! A lot has happened in the last month. Let's see, where to start...

15:

Around the third week of August, I had decided to put on my running shoes and call it quits with 15. It wasn't that I didn't like her anymore, quite the opposite. It was the fact that we were getting so serious and I could actually see her in my future! The words girlfriend, relationship, commitment, disaster, dishonesty and imminent pain were firing through my brain like a machine gun! The words shot past the voice of logic faster than it could cross fire. So, on came the tennis shoes and I told 15 I was running, fast. There was no real warning for what I had to tell her and it definitely shocked her.

I have to admit, it was hard not seeing or talking to her. I missed her a lot. I missed her laugh, our conversation, our time together. But I also enjoyed my alone time and freedom from worrying about someone else. After a couple of days I decided to email her and ask her if this meant we couldn't still hang out and be friends. She replied that she would love to still be friends and that she missed my company.

So...we arranged to hang out the following day and well....it's a little more than friends. What can I say, when you have a connection, you HAVE a connection. I feel like the communication between us is much better and the "break" was definitely for the better. I think we both needed a reality check.

As of today we are regularly seeing each other and really enjoying each other's company and going with the flow. All you can do is go with what life throws at you and try to live it to the fullest!

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School:

I started Photography 001 on August 27th. I am super excited about it!! I can't wait to start printing my photos. It's a black and white class. The first portion we are using 35mm film and then half way through we have the option of switching to digital. I LOVE PHOTOGRAPHY!!

I will be developing my first two rolls of film today! I can't wait to be able to make prints!! Hopefully!! My lazy ass will post some picture for you all to critique!!

My dream job would be a photographer, so this is my first step in that direction!! How exciting! I love it when life seems full of potential and limitless boundaries!!

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J:

The fourth week of August I found out that J's grandma was dying. We all knew that she was sick, but she had done such a good job of keeping how sick she was a secret, that we didn't realize just HOW sick she was. I had made arrangements that weekend to drive up to Crescent City (J's home town) to visit her before she passed. I didn't make it, she died that Thursday.

So, I left a day earlier and followed J and her brother up. It was hard to be drawn back into the family that isn't mine anymore. It was emotional. I had to spend 3 days with J, when I hadn't seen her in a month. I think it was a little easier on me than it was on her. She asked me to come back at least once a day and I had to repeat my stance over and over again. She still told me she wasn't giving up on us.

The hardest part for me was Rascal. It was soo hard to see my dog. I know, sounds silly, but she was my baby for 6 years. I miss her sooo much. I wish I could keep her, but I can't. I know J would just use her as an excuse to stay in my life and I just can't handle that. I need her gone so I can recover. She has cost me so much.

---

That's where I'm at. I think I'm still recovering from the weekend with the ex-family. I have a lot of sadness right now. Sometimes I just feel out of place and foreign to my new way of thinking, feeling and being. I can't wait until time has healed some of my wounds. I am so ready to move on!!

Grrrrrrrrrrr....

Mood: Angry

Pain Scale: 7



I have found that I still harbor a lot of anger towards J. It could be that it's being amplified by my PMS, but nevertheless I've felt it strongly this last week. I've had a hard time not saying mean things to her or calling her just to rant and rave at how I think this sucks and how unfair and heartless it is.



Sometimes shock hits me unexpectedly as I fumble through this totally new life and the anger and hurt come tumbling back. My path has totally been unpaved. The future I had worked for and visualized after so many years has been carelessly tossed away like a meaningless piece of trash. Sometimes I remember conversations we had about our plans, our hopes and our dreams. I get so infuriated that she had some of those conversations with me while she knew she was planning something different. She was already repaving her path while destroying mine after each blind footstep I took.



I replay some of her actions the month before I found out. She was so cold, calculating and selfish. Even some of the things she said when I confronted her still shocks me. I guess even when I look back, she has always been selfish, I just never recognized it for what it was.



I do blame myself for some of this. I put too many of my interests aside for hers. I foolishly put all my eggs in one basket. I let her be more important than me. I ignored the hard lesson I have already learned; No matter how much you think you know someone, you NEVER really do. Touché!



It just kills me that she could be so heartless and cold.



The hardest part I've found is not mending my heart, but trusting in someone else. I will have a hard time with that. I also wonder if a chance for a family has passed me by. Everyone comments that I'm still young, but I know I'm going to have issues when it comes to trying to get pregnant again. Not physical, but emotional. I have a feeling that starting that process again will trigger bad feelings and memories. I have a lot of anger towards that as well. What a mind-fuck she did. I don't think she can even imagine the damage she caused there. Only someone who's been doing the whole TTC thing could understand the mental, emotional and physical preparation you go trough trying to conceive and then to have your partner cheat during that process!!! WTF??? Well...at least I found out before we got pregnant. I am VERY thankful for that. Things always happen for a reason...right?



So, screw you J. I don't want to know you anymore. You don't deserve to be in my life. You don't get any part of me. You let me go. I'm taking care of me now, NOT YOU!

Portland

Mood: Good

Pain Scale: 6



Did I ever tell you that I LOVE PORTLAND!!! It was sooooooooo good to visit. I always forget (or maybe I just deny) how much I love that damn city. It really is where I consider home.



It was great to see the extended family. I haven't seen many of them in sooo many years. It was weird to see all my little cousins grown up and with kids!! My brother made a comment to me, "So, it looks like you're the only one without kids." Yeah...thanks for rubbing it in little bro! Nothing like family honesty. It was a good time.



I forget how crazy my grandma can be. So listen to this: I was sitting there eating some bbq, when I looked over on the table and saw softballs, Frisbees, horse shoes and about 20 pairs of nylons (yes, women's nylons). I looked at my mom and said "What the heck are all those nylons for??"

She started to laugh and said "Grandma has this fun game we play. You put a ball in one of the legs of the pantyhose, tie the other leg around your waist so that the ball is hanging between your legs. Then another ball is placed on the ground in front of you. Everyone gets in a line and trys hit the ball on the ground over the finish line using only the ball in the nylon around your waist (no hands). The first person to the finish line wins."

So if you haven't already imagined what this looks like, let me help you out. You look like you have a huge sagging nut sack and you're humping the air trying to swing it!! Twisted!!! I about fell on the ground laughing!!! Love them...LOVE THEM.



I also got to see my best friend Cindy Lou!! I love that girl. She looked sooo good! I love hanging out with her. No matter how long it's been, we can always pick up where we left off like it's only been a day. The last time I saw her was two years ago. She looked the happiest I've seen her in a long time. We also accomplished a Ninja Mission (hee hee hee). We used to do those all the time in high school (pranks on friends). We were sooo giddy with excitement! Damn I miss her. She will always have a special spot in my heart!



So...when I returned home it made me say to myself, "What the hell am I doing in San Jose?" I really don't like it here. I never have. I mean, I moved to be in Santa Cruz, not San Jose. So, I'm seriously considering moving back next April. Why not. I just feel more at home there. The pace is slower, the people are real, the city is gorgeous and I can afford to live!!



I LOVE PORTLAND!!

Day by Day

Mood: Content

Pain Scale: 5



So...we had the talk. It went well. At first she seemed a little freaked out, but as I tried to explain it she seemed to understand where I was coming from and reciprocated the need to take it slow (like any lesbian can do that!). So, we decided to take it day by day and see where it takes us. Phewwww. It just feels uber good to get that off my chest and out in the open...not that it has really changed the way we have been behaving.



Another offer on the house has been given, so hopefully that damn place will sell!! I can't wait to sever that last tie. Lately I've been really angry at J. It still amazes me how someone can treat another person the way she treated me after sooo many years. I know there are worse case scenarios and that this type of thing happens all the time, but I liked my la-la land of stupidity and happily ever after!



J is still trying to get me to come back. It really insults me that she thinks I would want to take her back after how cold she was. Does she really think I have no self worth??!! She says all those things you would expect: I still love you, I wouldn't do it again, you know we were good together, blah blah blah! I don't believe a damn word that comes out her mouth!! I see her now as a manipulative selfish person who saw someones weakness and exploited it to the fullest.



Wow...yesterday I was in soooo much pain, I almost cried a couple of times! Too much parting this weekend. I hate this fibromyalgia shit! It such a crock! I'm young I shouldn't feel this way! My whole body was sensitive to the touch and all I wanted to do was sleep. Yuck. I need to start taking it easy. Not sooo much partying like a rock star!! But damn it....I had fun!

Timing

Mood: Confused

Pain Scale: 6



I'm confused. I wish I would have met 15 a year from now. She makes me breathless, I love hanging out with her, I can see her in my future, we have a REAL connection and yet I know I'm not ready for a committed relationship. I keep pondering how I should say it to her. I know she knows where I'm at, but I don't want to hurt her even if she's willing to take that chance. I don't think it's fair for her to have to wade through my shit! She deserves someone who is going to be able to contribute 100% and I just can't do that right now. It sucks. I really wish I could. You just don't meet someone like her very often. Damn timing! Curse it!!



It's very frustrating to have such strong feelings but not have the energy to pursue it. I'm going to try and bring it up tonight and let her know where I'm at. We'll see how it goes. I don't really want to stop seeing her, but I don't know if it's possible for us to continue without our feelings getting more and more involved. She's ready for a lifetime and I'm just not.



On the lighter side, I'll be going back home for a family reunion next weekend. Should be interesting. 15 is supposed to come with me. We'll see. I haven't seen this side of the family in a million years!! I mean, seriously, it's been at least 10yrs. I'm excited to be going back to Portland. I love that fucking city!! Hopefully I'll get to see my best friend Cindy Lou!!

I'm in Trouble

Mood: Giddy

Pain Scale: 3



15 is truly rocking my world right now. It scares the shit out of me!! She herself is pretty frightened as well. We definitely were not prepared to meet each other. Where the hell did she come from? I never imagined I would have such intense feelings so soon. I thought I would never feel this way ever again. I was pretty much convinced of it even though everyone just laughed and said I would eventually feel that way again someday. SOMEDAY. My definition of someday is somewhere down the road...like a year from now, not a couple of months!!



What can you do? I don't know where we're going, but I refuse to just let these feelings be put aside in the name of "how things should be". I mean...how often do you really find something like this. Maybe I'm naive and you meet people who leave a lasting impression on you all the time, but in my experiences I have a hard time finding people I really connect with, let alone someone who captures my heart.

I'm in trouble.



I had to go to the house this last weekend. It sucked. I hate that place, I can't wait for it to sell. I also talked with J. Sunday was ok. I told her about 15 and she said she was happy for me. WHAT? I wasn't expecting that response. I think she is up to some Gemini game. I was only there for a couple of hours and it drained the energy right out of me!!



I had to go back on Monday. J called me Monday morning all stressed out about money and selling the house. She upset me. I looked back on the conversation to try and figure out just what she said that made me soo upset. All I could come up with is she just makes me feel responsible, stupid, and beneath her in some way. I don't know if it's just the tone she uses or the way she phrases things. I try to not let it get to me, but she can get to the core of me. So, all Monday I was a mess...again. I hadn't felt that way in soo long. Now I know that she really has an affect on me, because when I don't see her or talk to her I feel better. I know that if I want to heal I'm not going to be able to see or talk to her on a regular basis. Not that I really wanted to anyway.



Everyone cross your fingers that the house sells soon!!!

Good Hair Girl

Mood: Infatuated


Pain Scale: 3



I've met someone.



The story goes:

Some friends and I decided to go out dancing at one of the local gay clubs. LK said she was going to be my wing-man and find me a girl. I laughed "I'm not ready for a girl!" As we were all standing there sipping our cocktails she points and says "How bout that one, she has good hair." As I turn to check her out, one of the other friends runs over and invites the girl to come over and meet me.



WOW! She does have good hair! She's cute too! We talk a little, both of us obviously feeling awkward, then I ask her to dance. We go to the dance floor dance a couple of songs (she's a good dancer too) and talk some more. She asks if I would like to see her again and I say yes and we exchange phone numbers. My friends come and say it's time to go and we part ways.



Good Hair Girl (aka 15) texts me about 15 min later telling me she was glad she met me and thinks that I'm beautiful. I text her back that it was nice to meet her and she's not so bad herself. At this point, I'm feeling weird. I haven't really met anyone I've been attracted to in such a long time. Part of me feels like I'm cheating even though I'm single. I contemplate whether I should call her later or not.



A couple of day later in the week, I decide to text her (because I can't stop daydreaming about her) and wish her a good week. She responds back and that's the end of our texts. That Saturday she texts me to see if I wanted to hang out. I was actually busy that day, but we agreed to meet up on Sunday for lunch. I'm hella nervous and excited. I think to myself "This is so crazy feeling!!"



Lunch was great. We had a lot in common and connected well. We were both very attracted to one another. Conversation was easy. Only downfall was I found out she is a Gemini. Damnit. That's what J is.



After lunch we decide to take a walk in the a park, as we aren't ready to part ways yet. We end up staying at the park for hours just talking. I tell her where I'm at emotionally and she says she understands. I'm reluctant to engage in the feelings I'm having for her. We part ways with a hug. I leave feeling very giddy.



Next weekend we go to gay pride together. I meet her friends and we all have dinner and hang out together. As the night wears on I invite her back to my hotel and she stays the night with me. WOW. Let's just say...very compatible.



At this point I'm very surprised and confused by my feelings. The last time I felt this way was when I met J. I really didn't expect to meet someone I connected so well with so soon. I mean, I expected to meet a couple of someones eventually and have a good time, but not a CONNECTION. I'm not sure if I should trust these feelings or not. I don't think they are the results of my broken heart, but how do I tell. I know she is having intense feelings for me too. We both scare each other, but have decided to just go with the flow and see what happens. It's hard to get her out of my head and that freaks me out!!



Life has sooo many unexpected turns. sigh. Any advice from cyber space?



Did I mention she's a 15??

On the Up

Mood: Not bad, Not great

Pain Scale: 4



A lot has been happening lately. I've definitely kept myself busy.





First news. The sale fell through. PHEWY!! They didn't have enough money for the down payment the loan company required. Damn. The house is back on the market and hopefully we'll get another offer any day now!! }}}}}buy vibes{{{{{{



Second news. I've moved. I feel relieved as well as sad. It feels weird to be living all by myself after co-inhabiting with J for 6 yrs, but it feels good not to be surrounded by the memories of us. I feel like I'm finally moving on. Going forward. This is my space. I have a lot of unpacking to do, but somehow it feels kind of therapeutic. I can't wait to decorate!! I have so many plans. Maybe I'll get around to posting some pictures!



Whenever I have to go back to the old place I feel that heavy depressing sadness the house now embodies and it's awful!! I didn't really understand how much it affected me by staying there until I was away from it. No wonder I always felt so awful! I hate going back and I can't wait for it to sell so I can close that chapter.



Third news. I got a gig as a Go-Go dancer at the new local gay club. I'm super excited about it. I love to dance and I've always thought it would be fabulous to get paid doing it without having to get naked, but still be sexy!! I had my first night last Saturday.



When I had first talked to the owners, they had only wanted me to dance on Thursdays (ladies night), but after my audition they asked me to come back THAT same night to dance. Whoooo Yaaaa!! That made me feel good! It was a lot tougher than I thought. I don't know if it was because I had moved all day and was already sore and tired or it will be a usual occurrence every time I shake my booty!



My new friend J-Hawaii came to support me on my first night. She said she wanted to be the first person to tip me a dollar. I was stoked that she came!! She's a rock star!!



Dancing was a blast and I can't wait to do it this Thursday for some ladies!!



Conclusion. So all and all things seem to be looking up this week. I hope it stays that way, though I know I still have some lows to look forward to if I'm going to be completly honest with myself. {sigh} I still miss her dearly, but life doesn't seem as hopeless today.

Sale Pending

Mood: Exhausted

Pain Scale: 7



Well, we have an offer on the house and it looks like it will sold by July 10th. Part of me is relieved and another part is sick with sorrow. It sucks to be selling our house. I am so not ready to move and be on my own.



J has already gotten another house and is staying there. I hate that I'm stuck still living in the house that was ours surrounded by all the memories, being inconvenienced by people coming to look at the house in a moments notice and taking care of the sell of the house while she gets to move on and choose when she wants to come "home" to pick stuff up. I should be the one to leave her with all the responsibility!! This whole deal just isn't fair!



Her birthday was really hard for me. I didn't think it would effect me so much. It sucked. I was down the whole day...actually the whole weekend. I didn't see her. She was in the city with her family (so she says). I tried to make plans to distract me, but no one was available. It didn't help that I had to try and find some place to go while they showed the house. This wouldn't be a problem, but I have to take Rascal with me and that complicates things. No shopping. No movies. It's either the park or work. BLAH!! All I wanted to do was be home vegging out in my own bed!



J's mom may be coming down this weekend and J asked if I wanted to go out to dinner with them. I am sooo torn over what I should do. I love her mom dearly and would love to see her, but just the thought of not having her as my mom-in-law brings me to tears. I don't know if I'm ready to see her yet. J's family is really close. My family is not. I talked more with her mom than my own. Part of my pain is the lose of her family, they are such a great support system and I love how close they all are. It's hard to think I won't be a part of that anymore. I feel family less. I don't want to go back to no family support. This sucks.



Ok. I should find something positive...I went out to dinner with the new friend from Splash (we'll call her J-Hawaii). We went out to Thai. It was awesome. We had great conversation and I can see being friends with her for a long time. She was fun! Also my house should be done by next week, so hopefully I can move in on Father's day weekend.

Where do I go?

Mood: Confused

Pain Scale: 6



Where do I go from here? I was preparing to be a mother. I had decided to give up my dreams for a family. Maybe I should rephrase that...one of my dreams WAS to have a family. I had fully dedicated myself to having a family. Where do I go from here? I don't know the single me. What do I do? I can truly say that I'm going through family withdrawal. The only "true" family I considered mine was hers. I know, sad.



Did I tell you our friend is pregenant?? FUCK HER!!! Sorry preggo ladies, I'm a bit bitter.



I am trying to get back in touch with my biological family. It is hard. There are lots of boundaries that have yet to be tested. I have 5 adopted brothers and sisters and yes, it's a bit of an issue with me. I hate to say it. I feel sooo evil (maybe more insight later). My family doesn't communicate. We don't say what is really there. We are in a sense a "fake family". Do I have enough strength to break through the silence? There seems to be sooo much hurt. Do I dare open that can? I know I want to, but is it a drama I am ready for? My brothers and sisters and I can't seem to acknoledge the whole truth yet. I blame a lot of this on my parents. I know life is life, but still I can't seem to break free from placing blame somewhere.



It's HER birthday this weekend. I bought her a really nice gift. I know she will like it. I don't know if I bought it to show my love or to show her what she has lost. She is now in the depression stage and keeps talking about getting back together. I wish we could. I don't know if it would ever work. I know in my heart it wouldn't, but my optimistic side tells me it could. I love her to death and fear I will never find another. Everyone keeps telling me it happened for a reason, but right now I can't see THAT reason.



Why, why, why? Did I tell you I love booze right now? It seems like the only thing to keep me sober. I know, weird. I need to kick it along side the nicotine! We're only human. Is it me, or is this the worst thing I have EVER experienced??? I hope I never experience anything remotely close to it!! I thought my parents divorcing was a dousy...little did I know!

Bleeding

Mood: Complete Devestation

Pain Scale: 6



I am bleeding in more ways than one. My heart is bleeding as well as my body.



This period has been so hard for me. It symbolizes the child that will never be. I feel the pain of the loss as I shed. I can't stop crying about it. I wanted a family soo badly. I thought that was what she wanted too. Why would she lead me to believe in that??



The physcial symbolisim is soo unbearable. I just want it to stop! It's like an eternal negative pregnancy test. It reminds me that there will be no family, she doesn't want you, you are alone and most likely you will never have children.



I don't want to be here. These feelings are so overwhelming. I just want them to be gone. I can't get away from them. Nothing helps. I need out of here!!!

The Lost Shoes

Mood: Lonely/Sad

Pain Scale: 7



I forgot to mention my crazy Saturday night.



So, if you read my previous post regarding going out last Wednesday, I did work up the nerve to go out. It was a total bust. There were only about 6 people in the bar and only 4 were females. I did however meet someone and had good conversation. No dancing though. Since the whole reason for going out on Wednesday was to do some booty shakin', the newbie friend and I decided to give it another shot on Saturday.



Saturday:

Newbie friend ditched. I was sad. I had spent that day shopping for something new to wear and had psyched myself up. One of my purchases were these great pair of patent leather heals...yes, they were hot and not that uncomfortable I might add. So, I decided, "To Hell with it, I'm going anyway." I got ready and called myself a cab.



Upon arriving the bar wasn't super hoppin' and they were having some kind of beauty contest for the upcoming pride. No dance music. I went to the bar and ordered a drink and asked the bartender if they were going to have their usual Saturday evening dance fest. He said yes and I was relieved. I guess I'll stay a little longer.



While drinking my beverage, the girl next to me started up a conversation. We talked for a while and then she invited me to go have dinner with her and some of her buddies. Off we went. It was good conversation and nice to actually be out with PEOPLE!!



We went back to the bar and the dancing had begun. So...in true LB fashion I started to shake it!! Yeah, I'm finally dancing. I danced with the folks I had just met for a couple hours and had a couple drinks. Ok. That's a lie. More than a couple. I was pretty wasted.



The girl and her friends said goodbye and left (don't worry I got the digits). I tried to call another cab, but the dispatcher told me I had to call another number. Hello....this girl is drunk!! I can't remember some random number. One of the security guards told me he would walk me to a nearby hotel where I could catch a cab.



Upon walking to the hotel I took my beloved shoes off. I got in the cab and was headed home.



Next morning:

Where the heck are my hot shoes??? CRAP!! I left them in the cab...what cab line was it??? Damn it, I can't remember. SHIT. Needless to say my shoes are lost but I had a good time. Damnit, I LOVED those shoes.

Drained

Mood: Depressed

Pain Scale: 8



I am sooo tired today. The littlest things seem to overwhelm me. I just want to curl up in a ball on my comfortable bed and go to sleep and shut out the world. On the other hand I hate being in the house we once called ours. The house we bought to start a family in. The memories I see as I look around drain and depress me too. I feel there isn't anywhere for me to go...I can't get away. I'm stuck in this horrible hell where change I didn't choose is imminent but I have no control on when it will happen. I wish the damn house would sell already so I could get the fuck out of dodge.



I just can't wait for it to be behind me already. I hope the next upcoming years go by quickly. I feel like it will take forever for my heart and soul to heal from soooo much pain. At this time, I also can't wait not to see HER ever again. I don't want her in my life. She has taken so much from me that I can't see even being friends with her. She has yet to realize this even though I tell her over and over again I don't want to know her anymore.



She is in denial. And I think a small part of her still thinks I will come back to her abusive ways. Ummmmm...NO WAY. Things won't change.



I gave you a second chance and look how that turned out for me. HORRIBLE. Fuck you! I'M moving on with my life WITHOUT you. I don't deserve that kind of bullshit and I know that you will never change. I don't believe any of the lies you try to fill my head with. You do not love me.



Goodbye.

I'm doing

Mood: Poopy

Pain Scale: 6



Thank you for those of you who sent me some words of encouragement. I'm doing. Yeah...just doing. Not good. Not horrible. Just there. Sometimes it's all I can do not to cry and then sometimes it's all I can do not to set our house on fire in rage.



I have another appointment with the shrink tomorrow. I'm not sure she is meshing well with me. They say you should give a new shrink at least 4 tries before moving on. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.



I signed up at a Pilates gym and will have my first private session next Monday. This is exciting. I've always loved Pilates and I think it will be good for the mind and soul. I consider it my healing process (this is my reasoning behind the outragous money I will spend on it). And...I have to admit...I want a smokin' body by the time Pride rolls around. This will be my first SF pride single and you better believe I'm going wild. Anyone want to join me???? You buy the ticket, I'll put you up.



Tonight I'm contemplating going out to the local gay club. It's ladies night. I just don't know if I have enough balls to go by myself. I'm still trying to talk myself into it. I just need to make some damn friends and DAMN IT, it's hard to meet people. *sigh* We'll see once 830 rolls around.



I don't want to be single. I want my family. :(

Jokes on Me

Mood: Devastated

Pain Scale: 1 million



If anyone has been following this hopeless blog, it's been awhile since I've checked in. Well, that's because I've checked out.



On March 16th I discovered the woman to whom I thought I would share my life with is cheating. She chose a shiny worthless coin over a dull priceless collectible.



I have so many questions that can not be answered and it drives me crazy. Why would she even consider pretending to want to start a family if that wasn't what she wanted? Why put me through that only to totally crush me? I don't understand.



I thought I knew her. You don't know anyone. The only person you can trust is yourself.



Not only is it hard to say goodbye to the woman I loved for 7yrs, but also the family we had dreamed of building. I thought we would be on the way to motherhood right now. Now I'm alone, 30 and have to start all over. What the FUCK.



Why couldn't she just tell me how she was feeling? Am I that hard to talk to? Why play the fucking mind games with me? Damn it.



I have never felt pain like this before and I hate her for introducing me to it. Sure it would have been hard for her to tell me that she thought things weren't working out, but not has hard as the rejection and deception I feel from her running around behind my back. I can't believe a word she says to me. I feel everything she tells me is a fucking lie.



Girls suck.



I'm going to see a therapist on Monday to help me sort out my issues. I need help.



What type of person does that????

T Minus 8 Days

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 4



Only 8 days until the Conception Roller Coaster is due to begin! I can't believe it's almost here! I feel like we've been in the planning stages for eons. I'm ready for action! (Of course AF could trick me and elude her visit for a few days just to drive me insane.)

I Wear Shoe Size 7, Wanna Try It On?

I need to vent to the world of TTCing women!



*Disclaimer: I love my partner to death! She is very supportive and very understanding but...



she doesn't get why I'm soooo obsessive about this whole charting, temping, counting, looking, prodding, journaling, cycle thing and why I have a hard time not thinking about it! Tonight she was talking to her brother and when she got off the phone I couldn't help but ask...



"So (treading lightly cause I know she doesn't like this question), I know you hate when I ask, but do the boys know that we're planning on IUI next cycle?"



"Yeah, I mean, they know they need to get the blood work done and stuff and that it's coming up soon."



"But, don't you think we should double check and make sure they know it's coming up VERY soon?"



"I haven't had a chance to get in depth about it yet. He's had a stressful week and I don't want to add that as well."



I let it drop.



I understand it's hard to bring the "I need your sperm" subject up, but I'm starting to get edgy regarding the nearing cycle coupled with having no REAL confirmation. I'm starting to feel like this cycle may not happen because there may not be enough pre-warning for him OR the blood work won't be in on time.



I also try to convey to her that since we will be starting Clomid, I HAVE to know before I call the doc. I don't want to take drugs if there aren't going to be any swimmers!!



A while later we were standing in the bathroom while she was getting ready for work when I brought the subject back up and stated:



"I'm thinking I'll have to tell the Dr. I peaked the day before my FTMT Peak, because otherwise she will want to insem too late."



"Yeah, you mentioned that the other day. Can't we talk about something else? Is that ALL we have to talk about? We talk about this all the time. You're obsessing. Don't obsess!"



~~Silence~~



"The car will be ready on Monday." I say as she laughs because we had already talked about this earlier today.



Don't obsess!! Yeah, easier said than done! Let's see if you can get TTC out of your mind when your day goes like this:



0430 take temperature go back to sleep until

0530 pee on a stick for the FTMT

0600 make tea because you quite coffee for the pregnancy

0730 get online and enter data to your TTC chart

1300 stop drinking water and don't pee so you can pee on a stick at home

1400 enter more data online

1530 get home and rush to the bathroom to pee on a stick

1700 go to the gym and work out the muscles needed for childbirth

2100 go to bed to start it all over again

AND throughout the day eat healthy to loose weight for pregnancy

AND go to any Dr. appointments needed for TTC

AND guesstimate when your next period is going to start and when O may happen

AND answer the "Are you trying yet?" question from the people who know

AND continuously see pregnant women and babies everywhere!



Go ahead try it? I Dare you....hmmmm are you having a hard time not thinking about it? Come on it can't be THAT hard! Really? You wouldn't say.



And let's face it...here is an example of my office story for today:

"I wrapped the bosses presents to his wife for her birthday today."



And your shift story for today:

"We went to a stabbing last night and we had to rush the guy to the hospital. Whoa! He was bleeding all over the place."



Hmmmm...sounds like my story isn't even worth mentioning!! It makes it hard to have other things to talk about when I'm working in an office with ONE other person and NO foot traffic. And on top of that my partner is a freakin' paramedic whom saves lives in one of the busiest cities in the US!! SHEEESH! The best work story I ever had was when we were trying to trap Gary the Mouse!!



~shrug~



Maybe I AM obsessing too much. Maybe I AM the only woman TTCing that thinks about it this much. But I tell ya, I can't help it! And as the time gets closer and closer the worse it seems to get.



Thanks for the ear. It really does help. And any EMS/FIRE/POLICE wives out there...send me a shout out.

Candy Mountain

Mood: Happy

Pain Scale: 3

Weight: 131

I know...I have a weird sense of humor...but I still have to share!! Come on, it's going to be a cult classic!

Shun the nonbeliever!!

Pondering Clomid

Mood: irritable & bloated

Pain Scale: 4



It is driving me crazy with the unknown of what clomid will do to my cycle. I feel like I need to plan and plot to the best of my abilities for the upcoming cycle, but then again what will the clomid do??? Will I have a 28 day period like the majority? Will I have strong ovulation pains? Will my CM dry up? Will I be a raving bitch? Will anyone want to be around me? Will the FTMT read the same? Will I pop more than one eggy? Will my lining be too thin? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. The questions just keep coming!



I am typically one who likes to read all the directions so that I have all the information necessary before jumping into any situation. But this...there are no set of directions!! Anything can happen!! I've finally come to know my body's fertility signs and now they are going to change. OH THE PRESSURE!! Ok...breath...calm down...whew, I was working myself into a frenzy! I guess the best thing is to just go with the flow. I can't forecast what's going to happen and I just have to live with that. *sigh* The perfectionist must let go....wave bye, bye.

---

No coffee yet!!!! Yippee!

29 Sticks Later

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 3


Yippee!!! Finally! I feel like I've peed on all the sticks in the world!! It's all down hill from here. Next period should be here in about 2 weeks!! I am SO excited (I never get used to getting excited about AF). I really, really, really, really, really, really hope that the boys are ready!! If they're not...I will go crazy!! KD still needs to go in for the blood work for Dr. Z and I believe he is still waiting on the results of another test he did on his own.



Wouldn't that be wild if it worked on the first try?? I know, don't get my hopes up...but it's sooo hard. With this cycle taking soooo long, it looks like I will be in first week of the 2ww while in Vegas if my next cycle is around 35 days (my average is 37). No booze for me. Oh well it's worth it! Vegas will always be there. On the other hand, who knows what the Clomid is going to do to my cycle. That part of it is all unknown.

---

I am drinking green tea as I type. No coffee (yet) today. Thanks Jude for the encouragement!

I'll try it again

Ok. I'm gonna try again to cut out coffee tomorrow. No, I swear.



No coffee.

Insomnia

Mood: Dazed and Confused

Pain Scale: 4

Weight: 131.6



I can NOT sleep!! It's been like this for the past week. It's really starting to tick me off because it's messing up my chart! When I get home from work I am drop dead tired. I usually go to bed after J leaves for work, 7:30. I read for awhile and then shut out the lights. Sometimes I can't fall asleep right away and sometimes I can fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times during the night. And I most definitely ALWAYS wake up at 3:30am. What is up with that!! I have no idea why my internal clock has to wake me up at 3:30!!



Last night J went to the city to hang out with some friends from work and I just couldn't sleep!! I tossed and turned all night. I probably slept a few hours and those few hours were filled with nightmares (ewwww). I woke up multiple times. The last time I woke up was at 1:30 after a rather disturbing nightmare and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Our dog was getting ticked off at me for tossing and turning (she would grumble and snuf at me every time I turned over) so I watched the smurfs until J got home at 5:00am.



I hope this goes away soon!! I don't know how much longer I can function on 2-3 hours of sleep!! And no, I haven't kicked that damn coffee habit yet. I'm sure it would help with my sleep issues if I did. Damn stuff is addicting!!

Blah!

Mood: Crappy

Pain Scale: 6



I just feel crappy today. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the TTC journey or the weather but I'm in a poopy mood!



I have so much self doubt. J and I keep arguing over the smallest stuff. It's raining outside, take that back, now it's hailing. Our car is in the shop. My boss is out of town for the week (in a normal world this would be good, but he is the only other person in the office and it gets lonely after one day). J is working an OT shift on Sat (more alone time). I want chocolate.



Blah! I am soooo tired of being with myself! I can't wait until J doesn't work nights anymore!

Fibs

Mood: Sore

Pain Scale: 6

Weight: 132



I was pondering just how am I going to come up with excuses for all the IUI appointments???



I work in a really small office (me + the boss). I work from 7am - 3pm, so it is a possibility to make all my appointments after 3pm. But is this realistic? At this point I don't know how many ACTUAL appointments there will be. We haven't discussed if we will be monitoring this first cycle or not.



If it ends up just being the IUI appointment, I can probably pull it off, but what if I have to go in every couple days to monitor??? How did others fool their bosses? What if this takes more than 3 months!!! Oie!



I don't plan on telling the boss that we're trying to get pregnant. In fact, I don't plan on saying anything until we're pregnant and in the second trimester. This may be hard. Since he is the only other person in the office he might start to notice bouts of Clomid hysteria, mysterious reoccurring sickness and a bountiful of dentist/doctor appointments.



So far my plan is to blame it on the accident and say I have physical therapy. I think this plan may serve me well for a month or two. After that, who knows.

---

I'm still on the Joe. Can't seem to stop. Will keep trying. Weak.

Our Rear-End

Mood: Angry

Pain Scale: 7

Weight: 132.4



We were rear-ended on Monday. Funny enough I had played hookey from work to hang out with the wife when the incident occurred. We were on our way home sitting STOPPED at a red light when WHAM!!! This guy barrels into us at approx. 25-30 mph!! We heard no screeching breaks or anything. I hit the steering wheel and my knee hit the dashboard. Wife hit the dashboard and her coffee went everywhere. Rascal (our little chihuahua) thankfully was guarded by our arms and didn't hit anything.



I was stunned and dazed just sitting in the car at first. DP, being a paramedic, jumped out of the car to check on the other driver once she realized WE were ok. He was ok too. Our cars are another story.



We called the police to get a police report and yesterday we noticed that the report is CRAP! It doesn't say anything on it!!! It doesn't even have the areas of impact circled on the little diagram. I'm hoping the cop is typing one up at the office and we will receive it in the mail shortly. He better!



The driver said a big truck had drove by (which we saw too) and splashed mud on his windshield so he couldn't see. It had also just started to rain. I want to know, why the hell was he going so fast if he couldn't see out of his windshield!!! He also stated that he worked in the area, which means he KNEW there was a red light there. What is wrong with people??!!!



Our car (2005 Toyota Corolla S) was drivable. His was not. He was driving a Ford Taurus (wagon I think). It was totally crunched in. Fluid was leaking from it. It wouldn't start. Both his airbags were deployed. His windshield was broken. Our car totally buckled near the back window. Our bumper is shot. The inside of the trunk is totally bent upwards. The frame is all bent to hell. Did I say that this is my FIRST NEW car and it's only TWO years old!!! It's also my first accident. I've never been in one before and I hate them!!!



We immediately drove the car to the body shop to get an estimate on the damage. $6,000 to 7,000 so far. And part of that is only a guesstimation of repair needed for the frame, which you can't see!!! CRAP!!! That's like half the value of the car!!! Let's not even talk about what the accident has done for the resale value! Our car will be out of commission for at least 2 weeks to be repaired. We don't have much rental car insurance either!!We are also both experiencing back and neck pain.



The thing that makes me the angriest. Is that I was starting to feel better. I was getting the Fibro under control. I felt that my body was fairly close to being ready for pregnancy. Now my back is hurting, my Fibro is most likely going to flare and I'm F***ING stressed out!!! But I have to remind myself that thankfully we we weren't preggo or in the TWW. *sigh*



Damn it.



Pictures of the "car"nage.

Did She Just Say NO Coffee???

Mood: Unorganized

Pain Scale: 6



Tomorrow I am going to try and drop the coffee...YIKES. ""bites nails"" Hopefully it's not as bad as I know it will be. I'm going to drink green tea and fertili-tea (catchy name isn't it) instead. I know you're saying "You crazy chic, there's still caffeine in that!!". I'm not switching to quit the caffeine just yet. I'm switching to enhance my CM as well as help me with the NO caffeine transition once the pod is on board. Green tea to mint tea sounds easier than Coffee to mint tea. Let's hope nothing stressful comes up tomorrow!!

Wifey Excitement

Mood: Impatient

Pain Scale: 5



J is sooo excited! I have never seen her get all excited like this, even when we were in the process of trying way back when. Now I know we made the right choice to use Dr. Z and do IUIs. I really didn't realize how much stress it put her under when we were doing it ourselves at home. I know she didn't like seeing, touching or handling her brothers swimmers, I mean who would, but I didn't think it really bothered her that much. I guess my ears and eyes weren't as open as I thought they were.



She had called me last night on her way to work to talk about what color we should paint the baby room and thought maybe we should do it this weekend! How cute!! She also wanted to discuss what baby furniture we preferred. *sigh* I love my wifey!

Balls Deep

Mood: nervous

Pain Scale: 3



The PD appointment went great!! We discussed all our insemination options: home vs. office, clomid vs. no clomid. We took all the options with us and talked with the boys about them and came up with the following game plan:

• We're going with in office IUIs


• We are going to use clomid


• We may possibly supplement the IUI with 1 home insem as well


• We are starting not this cycle but the next one (end of March)

In a nut shell we have decided to go balls deep! Here is our reasoning:

• Office IUI: This increases our chances of getting preggo faster, thus imposing less demands on KD if pregnancy happens sooner. For some reason, it makes J and KD feel less anxious about the whole process in turn making my life a little easier.


• Clomid: My cycles are sooo irregular that this will help give us a better idea of when to expect O to happen and may shorten up my cycle.


• Supplemental baster session: Why pay for 2 when you can do one at home.


• Starting in March: KD has to get tested by our Dr. if she is to use his sperm and I've already started this cycle, making it too late to start.

Possible other things we discussed which may be implemented:

• Dr. Z says my luteal phases may be a bit short and she may want to use progesterone to get the type of temp spike she prefers to see during the TWW.


• Follicle ultrasounds.


• Further testing on me if we're not successful after 3 IUI cycles.

So, I didn't get the outcome I was pulling for, but after all the discussions I think it is better to involve the white coats. As much as I would love for us to conceive in the privacy of our own home, J and KD stress out sooo much, that it will just make it less stressful on me to go in. If it helps them stay calm by involving medical science to achieve baby Beale-Stow then rock on momma, that's what we're going to do.....well, and I'm outnumbered. So, WHOOO HOOO! I got my date and we're ready to catch the baby train!!



Dr. Z and staff were also very impressed with my charts. I think they kinda thought they weren't real!! They said "WOW. Look at those charts. You are soo organized." We are still very pleased with our PD office. The staff and Dr. Z are awesome!!

No Gain? WTF??

Mood: Tired of pain

Pain Scale: 7

Weight: 133.6



I was quite surprised today at the meeting when I actually lost weight. I had to look at the number twice! I didn't have a horribly bad week food wise, but it wasn't the best either. My uterus also feels like it's about to fall out at any second. I usually always gain or stay the same when AF is near. My whole body feels like it's been someones punching bag. I hate being sooo sore all over. It's the worst at period time.-->INSERT MORE COMPLAINING AND PITIFUL WHINES HERE<--



We have a full weekend planned. Very unusual for us homebodies. We are celebrating Small's b-day (KD's partner), so we will be heading up to the city on Saturday night for some dinner and possibly drinks. Sunday we will be hanging out with our family friends B & H to watch the Super Bowl. Fun times. Hopefully I will be able to resist all the bad food!!



Monday is also our second PD appointment. It's a consult to talk about the game plan. The boys aren't able to make it. :( I was really hoping they were available so that they could hear Dr. Z recommend home inseminations before we get the White Coats involved. Oh well, J will be there and she is the most important person to convince.



I haven't written down my questions yet...don't know if I will. I might just waltz in and see how it goes. I will be bringing in all my charts so she can check them out. I don't think she has the slightest clue that I've been at this for awhile and it's turned into the Grand Experiment with cycle length averages and insemination summaries. It will be fun to see the look on her face when I hand her my Lesbian Conception Report. Hee hee hee.

Afternoon Daydreams

Mood: Excited

Pain level: 6



I can't stop thinking about March!! At work I continuously grab my calendar and look at my upcoming predicted cycle dates and daydream...



~big belly~pre-natal pilates~homemade baby food~cloth diapers~ strollers~ maternity leave~nursing~maternity clothes~birth~midwives~pregnancy test~ the announcement~baby clothes~play dates~*SIGH*



It can't come fast enough! Those boys better be ready by March or I may just have a baby breakdown!! I am soooo ready to have baby Beale-Stow!!



So...what are YOU thinking about??

Me Aching Back

Mood: Grouchy

Pain Level: 7



My back is KILLING me today. I'm not sure if it's the Fibro or what. I DO know that AF is on the way and my body always gets more painful at that time. AHHHHHHH. It makes it sooo hard to concentrate!!! I have our trusty ole raw popcorn homemade heat bag thinga-ma-jig on my neck right now. oooooo feels good. Hopefully tomorrow it will feel better. This is one of those times I wish I would have taken the Rheumatologist up on some of those muscle relaxers she offered me. :)

Baby Fever & High Rollers

Mood: Optimistic

Pain Scale: 4

Weight: 134.8



I am feeling very good and optimistic today. I feel like we're on the right track and this baby thing just may happen!! We have our PD appointment coming up in about a week. We've invited the boys as well. I hope they can make it. I think it would be good if all of us could be there. So, hopefully we will formulate a game plan so my crazy anxiety about a start day can be laid to rest.



I've lost 5.2 lbs since starting the WW meetings. I only have 15 more lbs to go till I meet my goal of 120 (although I may settle at 10 depending on baby plans). *wide grin*



AND...we have decided to go to vegas for my 30th!! This will be the first time for the both of us. What? You crazy lesbians have never been to Vegas?? We're hoping our closest friends B&H can come with us. If we do start insems in March, I will just be finding out if we're preggo or not before our flight. So, it could be bottoms up or let's look at all the baby clothes in Vegas (you think they have baby clothes on the strip?) Either way it will be a b-day to remember....although, I don't know if it can beat the b-day I jumped out of a plane!

Operation Double B

Mood: Optimistic

Pain Scale: 3

Weight: 140



Operation Boat Body



My partner and I just bought a boat and we decided we are in need of a little slimming and toning before boat season comes around!! I've been trying to lose weight to get pregnant for a year now and I can't seem to kick my own butt in gear so I'm getting someone to kick it for me and then I will go home and kick my partners. :) In theory we think it will work.



So today I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting to try and lose 20lbs. I was a little nervous at first walking in. I thought people may look at me and say "Why is SHE in here?" It wasn't too bad, the receptionist did say "Well you don't have much to lose at all!!" Hell lady, it sure feels like I do!! Everyone was friendly and it got me excited. Rah Rah Rah!!



So wish me some luck or send me vibes that make broccoli look like chocolate!!

Missing

Mood: family, family, family

Pain Scale: 7



I've been MIA for quite a while now. Sorry...needed a break. Sometimes charting for no reason just gets to you and makes the time go by soo MUCH slower. I get so obsessed with charting, stalking the boards and dreaming about what could be, that I can drive myself to insanity!!! BREATH. BREATH. As soon as I start my next cycle (which is any day now) I will be back to charting. We will be going to see the PD in the beginning of Feb. Damn, I just remembered I forgot to take my Prenatal this morning.



Christmas was good times this year. My mom and my mom-in-law were both visiting and of course they kept asking "So when are you going to start trying again?". They are both very excited and can't wait to rub my swollen belly. My mom told me that she recently had a dream that I called and told her that I was preggo with twins and asked if she could move down to help me out. She was tickled pink about it and insists we are now going to have twins! That's fine with me. I've always wanted twins and it does run in the family.



New Years Resolution: Lose 15-20 lbs and get PREGGO!!!

The Verdict is In

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 4



The boys are still a go!! Yeah! J had a chance to bring up the topic and they replied that they are still in it to win it! NICE. They said they would be ready around March or April (due to testing that needs to be done first). A little sad, but at least we now have a time frame of when this project will get it's spermy grant to continue on. On the positive side, this gives me time to lose more weight, build muscle in the right areas, pay off debt and get all our tests done.



So...more loud tick tock sounds from my clock while I anxiously wait for the light to turn green. So all you FF gals out there...show me some more BFPs so I can stalk and live vicariously through you until April!

We love Dr. Z!!

Mood: Happy

Pain Scale: 6



Our appointment with Dr. Z was awesome!! I was sooo nervous before going that I was a total beeyoch to J **grimace**, but my fears were put to rest! Dr. Z made me feel very comfortable and I didn't feel judged or stupid (even with her finger up my anus, suprise)! She also has these cool PD chairs instead of the regular o'le spread-um tables. Way more comfortable! **I love new technology** This doc is hip! The office staff was humorus and bubbly and they even offered J a cappuchino while she waited. AND...they had a heater going in the exam room so I dind't freeze my naked booty off! How good can it be??



She fits most of the top criteria: queer friendly, #1 hospital, infertility treatments w/fresh sperm. The only strike against her was that she doesn't work directly with a midwife. When asked this question, she replied "I don't have a "stable" of midwives, but I do have patients who use them and can give you some recommendations if you wanted to work with one." ROCK ON!!! Can I hug you??



>pinch< >pinch< Could this chick be real?? Wow, we finally found someone who is willing to help us get preggo AND deliver without prejudice! How exciting! I was also very excited that she gave me a prescription for some prenatal vitiamins, ordered prenatal blood work AND set up another appointment in Feb (J invited) to go over my charts and come up with a game plan for March! Keeper...she's a Keeper. We are definately going forward! It feels more real now! Hurry up March, I'm ready to salsa dance with the stork!

Almost time to see the PD

Mood: irritable, impatient, nervous

Pain Scale: 8



I'm sooo nervous. It's 6 days until I have to go see a stranger and talk about sperm plans, my lesbian lifestyle, and let her peak at my nether lands!!! I hate the PD!! I hope she is as open minded as she appears!! I also haven't started my period yet! I thought I would have started by now, but of course not. Nothing goes as planned. Oh well, maybe it will turn out to be just a consult.



I am soooo tired of waiting!! I just want this journey to start. Hopefully the Dr. visit will jump start it. I'm almost ready to just go with a frozen pop. To me, it almost seems easier. This has got to be one of the longest projects I've ever taken on! I'm usually a wham bam thank you mam kinda girl. None of this off on off on never reach your goal stuff!

I wish I had one!!!

This video got me rollin!!

Nothing is better than a baby's laugh!

Are we there Yet??

Mood: time confused

Pain Scale: 7



I have rescheduled our PD appointment to a more convenient time for J. The last appointment was just too early for her on a day she has to go to work*. It is now December 4 @ 1pm. *sigh* Seems so far away...but on the other hand I feel as if there isn't enough time in the day to work, study, go to school, clean the house, eat and sleep. I am feeling time confused. Time is soooo slow yet oh so fast.



Haven't heard from the boys yet about when they think we can start inseminations. In fact we haven't even spoke of it since...hmmmm...well, a couple of months ago. ^!^blink blink^!^ They had some vacations planned so we had agreed to discuss it when they got back. Well they got back the week before last and nothing yet. J says she hasn't had the right moment to bring it up. I'm going to hang out with them on Friday, but I think I too will wait until they bring it up. Well, unless I have a couple of drinks and my lips start to feel a little loose :). Funny things families. I know I shouldn't worry about it, cause nothing can happen till after that PD appointment, but part of me is just itching to hear them say "Yeah! January looks good". Ohey Vey!

---

*J is currently working the night shift on the box from 2100 - 0700

1st PD Interview Date Set

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 2



I've set up an appointment with an OB (otherwise known as the PD: pussy dr)that seems to maybe fit the bill. She delivers at my #1 preferred hospital, she takes our insurance and she SEEMS queer friendly. I haven't found out if she does fresh IUI or if she works with midwives. I'm not too worried about the midwife thing becuase the hospital I chose has Midwives working in the maternity ward.



Last night I couldn't sleep just thinking about the appointment. So many questions to ask. I hope that J can make it to the appointment with me, but it's @ 12:30 which for her is 4am. I'm going to call and see if I can schedule it for a monday or for a later time slot.



Onward!!! Operation baby, here we come!!

Queer Patient in a Straight World

Mood: Mad as hell

Pain scale: 6



So the time is growing nearer and we're on the hunt to find the perfect Dr. The hunt is frustrating me to death. I am very particular when it comes to who's going to be poking and proding my nether regions for 9 consecutive months! So, I suppose a lot of the frustration I'm feeling is do to my strict guidelines. This is what I'm looking for:

• Queer friendly OB


• OB that works with a midwife


• OB that has privileges at one of my preferred hospitals


• OB who's covered under our insurance


• OB who would be willing to do fresh sperm inseminations


• OB who is a very open minded and friendly person

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I tried one recommended office yesterday only to be greeted by a mean receptionist. Our conversation went like this:

---

• me: Hi, I would like to set up an annual exam.


• Meanie: Can you hold?


• me: sure


• no sound for several min
• sound of phone dropping


• Meanie: can I help you?


• me: yes, I wanted to set up an annual exam?


• Meanie: are you already a patient?


• me: no


• Meanie: what type of insurance do you have?


• me: blue shield
• Meanie: do you belong to a group?


• me: Santa Clara
• Meanie: is it HMO or PPO?
• me: HMO
• Meanie: Well our next available appointment isn't until January
• me: WOW really.....well when in January?
• Meanie: mmmmm...the 5th.
• me: is there an appointment after 3pm?
• Meanie: we don't see patients after 3.
• me: I'll call back.
• Click

---

The tone of her voice was very rude. I felt like she was judging me on the type of insurance I had. It made me sooo mad yesterday!! I've tried some other recommendations, but no luck getting in to see them so far. So, I'm still on the hunt. My social anxiety doesn't help in the least bit either!!! This is the worst! I wish there was some kind of listing with queer friendly Dr. on it. I've looked for one but haven't found one yet!

Little toes and fingers everywhere!

Mood: impatient

Pain Scale: 3



Doesn't seem like when your TTC that there is a baby or pregnant woman around every turn!! I know it's just that you notice them more than you did previously, but gosh, they are everywhere!!!

Twiddling my thumbs

Mood: high on enzymes

Pain scale: 4



Twiddle Twiddle Twiddle



Did I already say I can't wait to start??? I CAN'T WAIT TO START. Some days the times seems to slowly creep on by.



We have started a new way of eating. We are switching to an all raw diet! Yup, that means no cooked foods. It's actually easier than I thought it would be. The food is very good. I feel good. I've already lost weight. It's stupid easy. I am excited to raise a raw kid! I highly recommend this diet to everyone!! Raw food is so much better for you! You can actually feel it.

I'm the timing queen

Mood: Optimistic
Pain Scale: 6

Well, with all this spare time to practice reading my fertility signs and pinpointing ovulation, I would like to announce: "I am now able to pinpoint the week of ovulation!" (I used to have an awful time with this when we first started out.) I have somewhat unpredictable cycles, but I've come to find out they are either 35 days long or 43 days long. Don't ask me! I have no idea why AF can't decide on one or the other. And my luteal phase is almost always 15 or 16 days. So with this ammo and being able to read my CF better, I can almost pinpoint the day!! Hip Hip Hurray!!

But, in analyzing all this info, I've also come to find out that I only have a chance of becoming pregnant 8x per year compared to the average 13x. Damn it!!! I guess that gives me even more reason to look into the White Coats.

^shrug^ It's always something, isn't it?

Lesbianism is about to take over our community

Mood: Pissed off

Yesterday morning on the radio I heard a clip from a sermon that the Rev. Willie Wilson of Union Temple Baptist Church in Southeast D.C had given in 2005 about Lesbians. I almost crashed my car!! What the F*CK!! It's soo shocking to listen to. It amazes and saddens me that people didn't get up and leave, but stayed and agreed with his homophobic/chauvinistic views. I can't believe I didn't hear or read about this sooner!! Some of the things he says just make me laugh out loud they are sooo ridiculous!!

"My son in high school last year, trying to go to the prom, he said,‘Dad, I ain’t got nobody to take to the prom because all the girls in my class are gay. There ain’t but two of them straight and both of them are ugly. I ain’t got nobody to take to the prom'."
Rev Willie Wilson

I can't believe this man is teaching anything from the bible. From what I've learned from the bible he doesn't seem like a man of god at all! Ewwww it makes me soo mad! I've posted the clip below as well as an article about it in the Washington Blade. Beware, it may piss you off!

Lesbianism is about to take over our community
Washington Blade Article

Again I have to say "What the F*ck?"

To IUI or not IUI

So, it seems that the main consensus is to do IUIs this time around. Personally I would rather do our own at home. I don't really like to get Dr. involved unless we need to. I feel confident that my body can get pregnant on it's own. But, everyone else's need to have some control want to do it in a Dr.'s office. They feel like that if a Dr. is saying be here at this time it will seem more official than me saying I think we need to inseminate this week. It drives me crazy that they think I can just predict the day I'm going to O. Don't you think I wish I could?! It doesn't help me to relax at all.

Maybe going to the Dr. will be a good thing after all. Then I can blame shift all the cycle mistakes on her/him. Maybe there won't be soo much pressure. I tried to explain that I still have to call the Dr. up and say "I just hit peak. What time do you have available?" just like I would do to the KD, except in this route we're adding a third party and the office may possibly be more out of the way.

Oh well. *sigh* We're still checking out our possibilities and I'm a tad grouchy today. Maybe my words will have a little more weight in a couple months.

PS I'm also mad cause I don't think I lost any weight this week! Damnit!

Small Set Back

So our KD informed us he would like to wait a couple of months before proceeding on the baby making journey. He and his partner would like to get retested since it's been soo long since our last medical check ups. He also found a bank willing to do KD fresh sperm inseminations which also requires lots of tests and check ups to begin. Not so bad for me cause now I can really get down to my goal weight in time!

NEW TIME FRAME: November, December or January

I'm not quite sure which month we'll be starting. We still need to meet up for dinner and formally ask him again and go over all the feelings, questions and concerns involved.

J and I are considering using the new bank and doing IUIs instead of trying on our own. We're thinking this may speed up the process and help us to get preggo faster. It also takes care of the legal aspect as well. Of course there is a price tag with it as well, but it may be well worth it if it only takes us 3 tries.

So onto the hunt for a gay friendly OB who uses midwifes and works at Community Hospital of Los Gatos and takes our insurance. Whew!

Ready...Set....GO...again!!!

It's official, we are starting!!! I am very excited, but I'm also nervous!! I haven't reached the weight I really want to be. I know I shouldn't really worry about it, but I just don't want to blow up like a balloon and not be able to deflate after the baby is born! Yes, I know it's silly. Who has time to wait around to be the perfect size. After all 30 is just around the corner.

This month will be the dry run and then we will start the turkey basting in October (the next cycle). I'm currently on CD5.

I also know I said I wouldn't chart this time...but damn it I just can't help it!! I love to have that pretty graph to look at. Besides, I feel a lot more in tune with my body then the previous rounds. I've been keeping track and making mental notes this whole time regarding the timing of my ovulation. I don't think I'm as clueless as before.

Sooooo...put this link in your favorites, cause this time there is NO break. It's baby or bust!!

15 lbs and 69 days

...she said 69!

Well. I've got 15 lbs to go until the September deadline. I'm not sure if I'll make it, but I'm sure going to try my damnedest.

J shared our thoughts and plans of the upcoming prego marathon with KD the other day. We just planted the seed, we don't know if he still wants to participate at this time. I hope he still does. The question of my "condition" also came up. I ask myself that question as well. In fact it's another thing to worry about regarding "Am I doing the right thing?". Will I be a good mother if I do have FMS and I'm low energy a lot of the time? Can my body handle being pregnant? Will I pass it on?

I refuse to let it run my life!! I mean how many of you know me to let up when someone says I can't have something?? ***GRIN***