Mood: ConfusedPain Scale: 6
Where do I go from here? I was preparing to be a mother. I had decided to give up my dreams for a family. Maybe I should rephrase that...one of my dreams WAS to have a family. I had fully dedicated myself to having a family. Where do I go from here? I don't know the single me. What do I do? I can truly say that I'm going through family withdrawal. The only "true" family I considered mine was hers. I know, sad.
Did I tell you our friend is pregenant?? FUCK HER!!! Sorry preggo ladies, I'm a bit bitter.
I am trying to get back in touch with my biological family. It is hard. There are lots of boundaries that have yet to be tested. I have 5 adopted brothers and sisters and yes, it's a bit of an issue with me. I hate to say it. I feel sooo evil (maybe more insight later). My family doesn't communicate. We don't say what is really there. We are in a sense a "fake family". Do I have enough strength to break through the silence? There seems to be sooo much hurt. Do I dare open that can? I know I want to, but is it a drama I am ready for? My brothers and sisters and I can't seem to acknoledge the whole truth yet. I blame a lot of this on my parents. I know life is life, but still I can't seem to break free from placing blame somewhere.
It's HER birthday this weekend. I bought her a really nice gift. I know she will like it. I don't know if I bought it to show my love or to show her what she has lost. She is now in the depression stage and keeps talking about getting back together. I wish we could. I don't know if it would ever work. I know in my heart it wouldn't, but my optimistic side tells me it could. I love her to death and fear I will never find another. Everyone keeps telling me it happened for a reason, but right now I can't see THAT reason.
Why, why, why? Did I tell you I love booze right now? It seems like the only thing to keep me sober. I know, weird. I need to kick it along side the nicotine! We're only human. Is it me, or is this the worst thing I have EVER experienced??? I hope I never experience anything remotely close to it!! I thought my parents divorcing was a dousy...little did I know!
3 comments:
Awwh, man. I hope she sees your gift and realize that she really and truly screwed up and ruined the best thing in her life.
*hug*
This may not be an option or even a desire, but have you ever considered single motherhood?
Thanks Jude! I think it did have that affect on her.
Lynn-If I had the resources I would definately be doing it on my own, but as it is right now I don't make enough money nor do I have a really good support system.
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