Chasing My Tail

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: 4

What the hell am I doing? I can't recall a time where I've felt more lost. I get these crazy impulsive itches to move or quit dancing or quit my social group or to just plain run away from everything!! I'm guessing that it stems down to finding out who I am. I sooo wish I would have gone through this in my 20s like most people. This is a hard task and I am not really enjoying it.

I feel much more comfortable focusing on someone else, thus the reason for my immaturity in the know thy self department. I really don't have a clue what Li Li wants or likes. Let's dissect our current situations:

Dancing: I really like dancing, but starting to despise the sexual attention. I've been reevaluating how I can change that. Not quite sure at this point other than to try and keep work and friends separate. May just quit, but told myself to wait a couple of weeks to see if I feel the same. I would really miss the added income!

Work: is boring! Positives are: pays the bills, great coworkers, stability, flexible. Negatives: goes no where, golden leash, San Jose, does not challenge my abilities.

San Jose: I so don't like living here!! This town blows!! Reasons for staying: friends, job, Lucky. Reasons for leaving: happiness, friends, family. The biggest reason for not REALLY checking into leaving at this point is money and economy. I would like to pay off some bills and the rest of my car before such a big move. Also the economy really sucks right now and I'm afraid I wouldn't find another job!! So the main thing in my way is fear!

Lucky: So I've been dating Lucky and I really like her. I like her too much. She is about 6 months out of a 4yr relationship and I know she is still dealing with some of the aftermath. I too am still dealing with lingering baggage. I am trying not to be too crushed out, but it's hard because she is awesome! I keep putting on one running shoe in preparation to just run, but I'm trying not to let fears get the better of me! HA! Maybe it's better to just run instead of getting hurt, but then again I feel it could be worth the risk. This one really gets me. Still evaluating. Trying to just stay light.

J: This MaHa is just plain pissing me off. I know I need to quit finding closure from her. Her evasiveness and open ended responses just keep me spinning into no where. I don't know why I get the wild hair up my ass every so often to contact her. STOP IT!! It's like some crazy addiction. How twisted is that?

Wants: TRUE friends...damn this is a hard question...to live some where fulfilling, to feel accomplished, a goal.

Hmmmm...don't know if this list shed any light for me. Maybe if I reread it in a couple of days, I will see something.

Relapse of Sorts

Mood: Sad, PMS, Tired
Pain Scale: 8

I'm not quite sure why, but lately I have been SUPER sad again over J. Maybe it's cause the therapy sessions are bringing it up and making me deal with it all or maybe it's just the time of year or maybe it's just my damn PMS.

It will be two years ago this coming Tuesday. That dreaded day I confronted her and realized life as I knew it was changing drastically. I've cried twice in the last week over the loss. I haven't cried about it in about 6 months. I HATE crying. H-A-T-E it.

At this point from what I can gather is I'm sad over that fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me!! I don't get this!! She just wants to forget me, pretend we never happened, go on with life like I was never there. It's very hurtful. Another J wound slashed on top of another. *sigh*

I guess what kills me is that /I/ keep on trying!! I've gone over it in therapy. I'm looking for closure from her, which I will most likely NEVER get, but keep trying to obtain it. I know at some point I will figure a way to suture it closed my damn self!

Sick Sick Sick

Mood: Tired and sick
Pain Scale: 6

Can I just tell you how sick I am of being sick!! I'm coming up on 5 (yes, she said FIVE) weeks of this yucky, crappy, coughy, congested, tired iks!! Got a doc appointment this afternoon. I will have to revisit the conversation we had in October about there being something wrong with me!! There just has to be! I've never been this sick in my life! Today I was totalling it up and in the last 6 months I've been sick at least once a month! That is WAY too much to be normal. And...it takes my body FOREVER to kick it!

Last October is when I asked for my blood tests because I was tired of being sick ALL the time back then! They told me everything was normal...how can this be? There must be something afoot here! Obviously my body can't fend for itself because it's already sent out the troops for some other fight! Well, hopefully today they will send me someplace to be poked and prodded to find out what the HELL is going on!

I don't have much hope about all that though. In my experience doctors don't ever REALLY know what's going on!! Sorry to the docs out there, but....it's kinda true.

So cross your fingers I get some antibiotic for now and some tests that help answer the question "What the hell is going on with this body?"