Equality!!!!

Mood: Over Joyed
Pain Scale: 4

FINALLY!!! CA supreme court ruled today that Gay marriage in CA is legal!!! Whhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! It feels so great to have the same right as everyone else when it comes to marriage!!! I just can't beleive it!! That is sooo awesome!! I actually got teary eyed! It feels really nice to have your long term relationship actually recognized for what it is!

Now onto the the next battle...the constitutional amendment measure...what the heck is wrong with people!!! Hopefully it doesn't make it onto the ballot this November or ever!

I just want to have a huge block party to celebrate the landmark decision!!

Rockin' Nanny in Seattle

Attention Seattle Readers with young ones!!!

My mom, who lives in Seattle, has openings for families looking for a hip lesbian Nanny to watch their kids.

My mom is a great Nanny (and of course mom). Here are some of her highlights:

• Worked as a teacher for many, many years in Portland
• Progressive
• Open Minded
• Loves kids
• Inventive and Creative
• Teaches baby sign language
• Has 7 children of her own (5 of which were adopted and 1 is autistic)
• Lesbian

I would be happy to connect you with her if you're interested!! I highly recommend her and not just because she's my mom, but because she really does rock when it comes to kids!! So please pass the word around!

Are You Serious??? They're Back on the Block??

Mood: Embarrassingly excited
Pain Scale: 7

OK. I admit it...I was a New Kid junkie!! There, I said it. Yup, I had them plastered all over my walls, peachies, owned almost everything to do with them and they were my first live concert.

I just heard that the New Kids are creating a reunion tour and coming out with a new album! WHAT!! Could this be true?? NKOTB back!! Bringing us new sticky gooey love ballads!! Oh my...I can't wait!!

I know I'm almost 31 AND a lesbian, but for some strange reason this prospect excites me!! Maybe it's because it brings back some of those adolescent goofy feelings and reminds me of times when my group of friends and I would talk endlessly about which one of us was going to marry whom. Ahhhh, to be back in those days when the world wasn't sooo heavy!! I'm pretty sure I could sing all their songs still!!

I am soooooo going to buy their new album!!! Ok...those of you that read my blog and want to go to their concert...raise your hands, you know who you are!!! Let's do it!! O O O O O...hangin' tough!

Don't Talk Back to Darth Vader

You said it, Darth will definitely get ya!!

It got me!!

Mood: Tired
Pain Scale: 4

It started with 15...the narly flu that has been going around. She had become contaminated the 2 weekends before last. At first we thought it was just a cold, but then the high fever hit and I put myself on contact restriction, but to no avail. It got me!

It's super high fever put me down for 4 days. The total duration of this crazy super flu put me out for about 6-7 days. Last week I still felt icky all the way up till Wednesday. This thing is utterly horrible. It's been a while since I've been that sick...sometimes it felt like I was going to die.

I still have a good productive cough and yummy mucus in my head. Hopefully that will be fully gone by this weekend...hopefully.

So, to any of you out there who know someone coming down with something, anything...heed this warning and RUN!!

And thank you for all the great ideas on the Wall!! I really liked the one from anonymous regarding using corn starch, great idea!!

The Wall

Ok...here's the crazy random curved wall (with an extra Bucket photo op bonus)!




Any ideas?? The living room is painted a muted purplish color (called clay pot). This wall faces the front door as you walk in. It seperates the living room from the kitchen. Livingroom on the left side, dining room on the right side. There is a counter and cabnits on the back side, so a bar or window is out!! The wall also has a pretty good curve to it.

Ideas I've had but am still diliberating on or they've been vetoed:

1. Cover it with different sized picture frames (would have to be small cause it's curved)
2. Paint a mural (not so good at drawing art and what kind of mural)
3. Make lipstick kisses in random waves and swirls
4. Cover in different fabrics or papers (sorta like a modern scrap book design)

So...I'm up for suggestions. I wish the person who built this wall was around to thunk on the head and say "What the hell were you thinking?"

I got tickets to the gun show!!

Mood: visions of success
Pain Scale: 6

I enrolled in the gym today!! I figured it's time to start toning up again. I am usually a gym goer, but haven't gone since last summer. It's time. I signed up for Gold's Gym which is only 3 blocks from me, which I hope will encourage my lazy ass to go. I've heard that Gold's is full of meat heads, but I'm going to try it out any way. It didn't look to meaty when I was in there. I'll let you know how it goes.

Started seeing a chiropracter again because my back is killing me and I'm sure J will be kicking me off the health insurance any day now so I better use it while I can. It's actually helping me out a lot, my pain has diminished some what with only 2 visits.

I also have a project for webland, but I have to wait to post the picture of the wall I'm talking about. I need decorating ideas. It's a weird shaped wall and I haven't liked any of my ideas up to this point, so I'm going to send it out to you all to give me some suggetions!

Wierd Feelings

Mood: Flash back fever
Pain Scale: 4

I don't know if it's just the time of year or the fact J has contacted me recently, but I keep getting wierd flash back feelings of the tramatic events of last year. I keep thinking "Wow, it's been almost a year...a month from now I found out J was not what she seemed and my world changed as I knew it. How could she have treated me so awfully?? What the hell happend??"

Sometimes I miss her tremendously and then the next minute I truly hate her. I still haven't spoken to her since I vowed not to. That was a good move on my part. But every so often she sends me a text or email. Part of me thinks it's just another way for her to mentally torment me, because each time she does it, it takes time to get her out of my head again. Sometimes I just want to simply reply back "LOOSE THIS NUMBER!!!" but I know that would just prompt more contact. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!

It really effects my view of relationships now. I don't think I will ever fully trust that I won't be left again for somone else no matter how much I'm reassured. I feel like she destroyed some of my innocence. I try not to be tainted...but I am. Now I know what people mean when they say they have baggage. YUCK.

But things with 15 are swell even with a my occasional emotional speed bumps!! We are planning a trip to Hawaii in September! I can't wait for that. It feels like forever since I've had a "real" vacation!! I can't wait to actually spend a full week with her!! And it must be going good, cause I've gained 5 lbs!!! Damn it!!

Bucket!!

Mood: Busy, busy, busy
Pain Scale: 4

I got a new kitty!!! His name is Bucket (cause he's a love bucket) and maybe around 2 yrs old. 15 and I went to the local shelter to find a kitty. When we walked by his horrible tiny cage he meowed at us, so in all reality he PICKED us out!!

He is very cute and lovable. I was a little afraid at first, being that he was from the shelter and all, but he is such a good kitty. He really doesn't have any bad habits, besides waking up at 4am and playing "I'm a race car" around the house.

It's really nice to have an animal again, they add so much to your life. At first I didn't want to really love him due to having to give up Rascal, but he won me over.

So...meet Bucket:

Isn't he cute!!!

FINALLY...2008

Mood: goals, goals, goals
Pain Scale: 3

Happy new year everyone!!! Finally the dreadful, horrible, evil year of 2007 is OVER!!! I'm ecstatic!!

Recap of 2007:

• First auto accident (not to mention in my first new car)
• Grandma P. died
• J's Grandma died
• Uncle died
• Aunt died
• Dad cut off two fingers in saw accident
• J found cheating
• Filed for divorce
• Sold house
• lost my dog in the divorce
• moved in with myself
• met 15!

Pretty darn eventful and most of it crappy!! I have to say that 2007 was the worst year of my life up to this point. I'm glad to have it done and over with! On to the new 2008 and may it be WAY better than last year!!

2008 goals:

• Make it to the gym 3x a week

The Nutcracker

So, we went to see the Nutcracker in SF and I'm sorry to report that it was boring. It was nice to see it once, but we've decided not to do that again. We had gone to eat at Asia SF right before the ballet, which features female impersonation shows every hour, and were WAY more entertained (highly recommend this restaurant if you visit San Francisco). I guess we're just not the ballet type. I love dance and all, but it was hard for me to stay entertained for so long. Bummer.

Is it REALLY December??

Mood: Busy
Pain Scale: 5

I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted!! This last month has gone soooo fast and I can't believe it's only 6 days til Christmas!! Holy cow! Thanks to the readers who shook me and said "Where the hell are you?"

Ok, so some quick updates:

Thanksgiving - I went to my Dad's for Thanksgiving near Bend, OR. COLD. COLD. COLD. My ass was freezing! I should have packed some long johns, wait, I don't even OWN long johns. It was good. It was awesome to see 3 out of my 6 brothers and sisters. I also got to meet my nephew Tyler. He is adorable!! I had fun playing with him.

15 - We are still doing good!! I'm actually really happy that I decided to see her again. I really do adore her. We will be spending Christmas together and I'm super excited about it. We went and picked out a fresh Christmas tree and decorated it. And I have to say, it's one of the prettiest trees I've had in a long time!! We love to sit and stare at it (I know, silly us!). I surprised 15 with tickets to see the Colts play the Raiders (she is a huge football fan and these are her two favorite teams). It was so fun to share that with her. She looked liked a little kid all awe struck and wide eyed. It was even an exciting game as well!!

J - I still haven't talked to J and I don't care to. It's much better with her OUT of my life!

I've been busy shopping and trying to get things ready for Christmas. I'm pretty much finished shopping for gifts, now I just have to get the food.

Work is super busy cause the boss with be on vacation the week after Christmas, so that means I have to finish everything before he leaves. Our work holiday party is this Friday! Hopefully I don't get as sauced as last year!!!

15 and I will be going to see the SF Ballet's Nutcracker this weekend. I'm really excited about it. I've never seen it before and maybe it can be a new tradition.

All and all, everything seems to be going just fine. I feel like I'm moving on and life has a future again! I still can't wait till New Year's. I will be glad to say goodbye to 2007 and welcome 2008 with open arms!!

Off Again, On Again

Mood: Good
Pain Scale: 3

I started seeing 15 again! I know...crazy girl, but I couldn't legitimize not seeing her if I was missing her company so much! Life is short. So I called her up and we had dinner. It was really, really nice. I have strong feelings for her and vice versa. So the saga continues.

I haven't spoken with J for 3 weeks and that has helped me tremendously. I had to say goodbye and just cut it off. She was still playing her stupid games with me and I don't need that. It has actually helped me more than I thought it would and I don't feel the need to contact her. She has tried to contact me, but I just ignore it. She doesn't understand why I won't talk to her, even though I told her I'm tired of the games and goodbye. She'll give up eventually.

Work is crazy right now!!! Usually my job is mundane, but we had to let a key person go so it's been a little wacky. There are only 7 employees so we're like a little family here. It's hard for all the employees to adjust to the change. It's keeping me very busy!

I'm going to the ballet on Saturday to see the Carmina Burana performance. I can't wait!! I haven't been to the ballet in a long time. I love to see the non traditional ones the most, so I knew I would have to see this one! It should be good! I love dance!

The Weekend and Other Boring Updates

Mood: OK
Pain Scale: 3

Bowling went well on Sunday. A bit more meat marketish, but I still had fun. I think I may have a hard time finding friends, because it seems everyone wants something more from me, but we'll see.

Got the couches. YEAH!! and a little BOO! There was a nick on the back of one and they were very dirty. I called the customer service line and told them I wanted to exchange them for a new set. They said OK. No problems about the exchange so far. So, I have some couches, but soon they will be exchanged. Mildly annoyed I still don't have MY couches. Whatcha gonna do??

My pain has been fairly good lately, it's the excessive exhaustion that's kicking my butt. I get soooo tired. I haven't been sleeping very good either. It takes me forever to go to sleep. My mind just won't shut up!! Whenever I attend one of the social functions, it seems to really wipe me out. It sucks. I haven't quite figured out how to remedy that, maybe I just have to suck it up! STUPID FIBRO!!

I have been missing 15 the last couple of days. I really miss her company. Why do some things just not work?? I've been strong and not called or texted, but it definitely is taking lots of will power. I wish we could be friends!

Tiffany:
Thank you so much for your comments!! You pointed out some things I never really thought of and I definitely will try your suggestions. Your post really had an impact on me and I just wanted to let you know!! Thank you.

I Feel the Earth Move

Mood: Shaken!

...under my feet!!

Oh my god!! We just had an earthquake!! That was a good one! Not sure where it originated yet, but it was strong! Nothing fell and broke. I'm surprised.

I ran under a doorway thinking it would be gone quickly, but it just kept rumbling. I've been in them before, but usually it doesn't last that long. After it stopped, I thought to myself, I better get my ass outside in case it starts back up. Nothing yet. Hopefully there aren't any after shocks!!

Whew!! I am awake now!! I guess that's what I get for living in California.

**UPDATE**

A moderate earthquake occurred at 8:04:54 PM (PDT) on Tuesday, October 30, 2007.The magnitude 5.6 event occurred 8 km (5 miles) NNE of Alum Rock, CA. The hypocentral depth is 9 km ( 6 miles). 9 Miles from San Jose (where I am).

What Next?

Mood: More of the same
Pain Scale: 4

Just pondering what is next? I am soo out of sorts, I just don't know quite what to do with myself. Just trying to get by the day to day stuff right now. I'm trying to make a small goal for myself, cause I know that always helps with motivation, but can't seem to get myself going. It's hard to get out of bed just to face the new day. I know things will get better as time goes by, but right now time seems to go so slow.

I went to the kayak get together. I have to say, it was more fun than I thought is was going to be. I met some fun people. It didn't feel like a bunch of singles trying to hook up either. That was nice. No pressure. There is a bowling event this Sunday that I'm going to check out too. I was supposed to go to a Dinner last Thursday, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. I don't like the stationary events. I like the idea of having something to do, able to move around. Makes me feel safer. I have socialization issues. Working on that too!

I went to a Halloween party last Saturday with a co-worker. That was fun. I dressed up as an Ice Queen. I had some big white fury go-go boots I had to put to use. I love Halloween. Being able to dress up as something else. Role playing is ALWAYS fun!! No real plans for the actual Halloween yet.

15 texted me Saturday night around 3am. I'm almost positive it was because she had been out partying. She said she missed me. I didn't reply back. It was hard, but I think if I reply it will just reopen what I had to close. I miss her tons. She was a great friend. I wish we could still be friends.

J actually texted me that night too. I had contemplated hanging out with her, and I almost did, but it didn't work out. I'm sure it was for the better. I haven't replied to her either. I'm having a hard time not talking with someone I spent 7 yrs with. She WAS my best friend. It's hard to go through life without one. I wonder if everyone goes through this after a horrible long term relationship break up? Thank goodness there are no kids involved. I couldn't even imagine the stress that would cause. But I do mourn the loss of the family we (or should I say I) dreamed of. It's a hard one to let go. Sometimes it causes me a lot of sorrow.

My new couches are supposed to be delivered on Sunday. I can't wait. I'm sooooo tired of not having a living room!! Hopefully what they tell me is true this time (it's a different furniture store). They're not as awesome as the first set of couches, but I still feel in love with them when I first saw them. I think they will be good!

Cry Me a River

Mood: Sad, sad and more sad
Pain Scale: 4

For some reason I just can't seem to shake the blues. I'm unmotivated, cry at the drop of a hat and everything seems wrong. I hate even getting out of bed in the morning. I think I'm in a little bit of a depression right now and I'm trying my hardest to dig my way out. I just don't have the energy.

Last Saturday J and I met up to sign the papers. So it's official. We're done. I think this is probably the cause of my emotional state. I didn't realize I was still holding on to her in some way and now she is REALLY gone. I'm having a hard time getting rid of the feelings I have for her. Some people tell me they will never go away, but just lessen with time. Arg. Why did she have to leave it this way? She was sad. I was sad. It was all just sad.

I'm supposed to be going kayaking this weekend with a group of girls. I've never met any of them. It's an online group of lesbians in the area just looking to make friends and be active together. I need to make some friends so I told myself I HAVE to go...I'm kind of grumbling and giving myself dirty looks. You know the kind you used to give your parents when they made you do something you didn't really feel like doing. I really hope it's fun and not full of a bunch of freaky deakys!!

15 is trying hard to win me back. She came to my house last Sunday after I wouldn't answer her calls and proclaimed her feelings for me. I tried my hardest to tell her again that it's not her, it's me and I'm just not ready. Today at work she brought me a dozen roses and a card. She says she just wants to date me and that she misses me in her life. She says nothing serious, just once a week or so. But we are never NOT serious. We are both very intense. I'm not sure we can do casual. I told her I would chew on the idea. I'm trying to stay strong in my stance of only being friends. She is soooo persistent! What the heck did I get myself into??? I've added more drama when I don't need any more. Oie.

I had to cancel my new couches and I'm very sad about that. Right now the only place to sit is on my bed and I'm getting really tired of always being in bed!! I really liked them and I looked long and hard for the perfect ones!! When I first purchased them they told me it would take 2 weeks. OK. I can deal with that. Two weeks go by, I call. One more week they say. Week goes by, I call. One MORE week. They call me the fifth week and tell me they won't be in till the middle of November because the company is waiting for the color of material I ordered to come in!! OMG!! I can not wait any longer!!! I NEED SOME COUCHES!! So, I cancelled them. Now I have to find another set of perfect couches. I feel soo tired. I should have known, it IS 2007...the worst year of my life!! I can't wait till 2008!

So, not much on the happy front here, hopefully I will have some uplifting news soon! Ok...FINE. I will try to find ONE positive note (dirty look to self) hmmmmmm...

Nothing comes to mind...Oh yes...soon I will learn how to gradually ass 6 tablespoons sugar!!! HEE HEE HEE! I love it! Makes me laugh every time!

Timing is Everything

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: Lots

I broke it off with 15 again last night. I felt horrible and don't even know if it was the right decision. All I know is I don't have the energy to put into another relationship. I'm not ready to compromise. My feelings for her are very strong and I love being with her, so it will be hard and lonely to say goodbye.

I feel like I'm floating. I don't know which direction is up. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I always thought I had control over my emotions and psychological well being, but I have been proven wrong this last week. I am still off balance and I can't seem to right myself. My wounds run deeper than I realized or should I say wanted to admit.

It's so frustrating that J will NEVER know the pain she has caused me. All I want to do is express this pain, but there just isn't any way that I can and it builds and festers until I have an uncontrollable melt down. I wonder how many more I will have to endure?

Until these pass, I can't invest in someone else. It's not fair to them and it's not healthy for me.

I'm truly sorry 15 and I wish you luck. I never wanted to hurt you and I really DID think I was ready to move forward with someone, but I was wrong. The past is still holding me back from having the future I can see with you. You are a beautiful, wonderful and amazing person and I will miss you dearly. If only our timing would have been better.

One Step Back

Mood: Depressed
Pain Scale: 5

I've had a really hard week this week. It seems my wound has been torn open and is bleeding. I feel so much pain. I just want it to stop and scab back up so it can continue to heal.

I don't know if it has to do with the final sale of the house or what, but I can't help but keep asking "Why would she do something like that?" I really don't understand. I invested so much into the relationship (a big NO NO from now on). I made so many sacrifices, figuring they would be returned. I feel I did more than she did. I don't know if that's accurate, but it sures feel like it.

Things I did for you:

• Worked by your side and helped run your business
• Stood by and supported you when we had to close the business
• Supported your goal of becoming a Fire Fighter Medic
• Worked 12+ hr days for almost 3 yrs so you could go to school for your career goal
• Financially supported us during that time
• Helped you study for exams (even after working 12hrs)
• Helped you rebuild your credit and put my name on major purchases
• Cheered you on during multiple strenuous Fire tests and interviews
• Gave you a second chance after you cheated the first time
• Took care of the house work and cooking most of the time
• Payed all the bills and managed our accounts
• Kept your secrets

Things you did for me:

• Financially supported us for 4 months after we sold the business
• Shared your family with me
• Took care of the house work while you were in medic school (6-8 months)
• Provided me with a car during the first part of the relationship
• Paid for your own schooling (except for your previous school loan I helped pay)
• Helped pay off the credit cards once you started working

How I see what you did:

Within a year of meeting your career goal you cheated...again. You argue that's not the way it was but funny it happened right after your probation period was about to end, guaranteeing employment, therefore making me dispensable. When I look back on the first time you cheated, it was also just after you graduated from Paramedic school and was hired by AMR. Again, making me dispensable. Since I was a sucker who believed in us and decided to stick it through, you decided to take advantage once again by going through Fire Academy while I still continued to support you.

You took what you wanted from me and then exited the relationship in a way that still required me to expel the most work and energy. You AGAIN took the easy road. I also believe you chose this route so you could tell people that I was the one who ended this relationship. In fact you have told me this yourself by telling me I was the one who decided to end the relationship and rejected you!! How this comment makes sense to you, I have no idea.

What about supporting me in my dreams? What about standing by me when I have something hard to go through like dealing with fibromyalgia? What did I get out of the deal? You re payed me by cheating and making me feel worthless. You could possibly be one of my biggest mistakes.

You made me feel:

• Used
• Small
• Stupid
• Angry
• Like Garbage
• Ugly
• Unwanted
• Disrespected
• Like a step on your ladder
• Drained
• Lost
• Like nothing
• Boring
• Never good enough

I guess I should give you credit for being the most deceitful person I have ever met and ever care to meet. You really did have the wool pulled over my eyes, but it has been ripped away and now I can see you for what you really are. I pity those who cross your path. You thought you could steal my strength from me, but you're wrong. You can't claim my strength and from now on I will be wary of whom I share it with.

Deflated Elated

Mood: Depressed
Pain Scale: 6

The house officially closed last Friday. I didn't expect to feel the sadness and anger that came with it. I thought I would be relieved and elated, which I was, but in a more deflated type way.

The buyers pulled a last minuet maneuver which angered me to NO end. They had us in a corner and we had to agree to an additional $750 credit. ARGGGGG!! This also renewed some anger for J, because all I could think of was she was the one who put us in this lame ass situation!! I am being punished for her actions! SUCKS!!

And then I got a bad haircut that day. perfect.

At least that part is FINALLY over. Now on to divorce papers, which J is reluctant to sign. She never wanted to marry me in the first place, so I don't see what the problem is. We did it for "insurance reasons". I guess now she thinks marriage IS important after all these years of telling me she didn't believe in it. WHATEVER! Just sign the damn papers! I wish we would have never done it in the first place. It kills me that it was just a year after becoming Domestic Partners (almost to the date) before she cheated!! And I always said I would NEVER get a divorce! Thanks J, you're a real winner!!

Hungry Girl

Mood: good
Pain Scale: 6

I just have to share this site with everyone!! I love it to bits! I've tried many a diets (who hasn't), when I finally gave in and tried Weight Watchers ( I always thought it was for old ladies). To my surprise it worked and it worked well. Their ideas fit my ideas on what healthy eating really is. It wasn't just some fad diet that was hard to follow and made you eat ridiculous things or follow strict insane rules. It was logical. It made sense. It gave me tools I will use the rest of my life.

Anyway, to get to the point, one day I was on the my yahoo home page when I spotted an article on a website called Hungry Girl. I clicked the link. Holy Cow!! A Weight Watcher member who started a site about healthy eating, portion control and point related information!! I loved it! She provides fun tips, gives you a heads up on new products, has recipes and lists the points value for most foods!! And the website is so cute to boot!!

There are shameless corporate plugs here and there, but I can overlook them for the fun information she provides. I love getting the Hungry Girl news letter every morning in my inbox, it helps me stay motivated and it's plain fun to read! Check it out!!