One Step Back

Mood: Depressed
Pain Scale: 5

I've had a really hard week this week. It seems my wound has been torn open and is bleeding. I feel so much pain. I just want it to stop and scab back up so it can continue to heal.

I don't know if it has to do with the final sale of the house or what, but I can't help but keep asking "Why would she do something like that?" I really don't understand. I invested so much into the relationship (a big NO NO from now on). I made so many sacrifices, figuring they would be returned. I feel I did more than she did. I don't know if that's accurate, but it sures feel like it.

Things I did for you:

• Worked by your side and helped run your business
• Stood by and supported you when we had to close the business
• Supported your goal of becoming a Fire Fighter Medic
• Worked 12+ hr days for almost 3 yrs so you could go to school for your career goal
• Financially supported us during that time
• Helped you study for exams (even after working 12hrs)
• Helped you rebuild your credit and put my name on major purchases
• Cheered you on during multiple strenuous Fire tests and interviews
• Gave you a second chance after you cheated the first time
• Took care of the house work and cooking most of the time
• Payed all the bills and managed our accounts
• Kept your secrets

Things you did for me:

• Financially supported us for 4 months after we sold the business
• Shared your family with me
• Took care of the house work while you were in medic school (6-8 months)
• Provided me with a car during the first part of the relationship
• Paid for your own schooling (except for your previous school loan I helped pay)
• Helped pay off the credit cards once you started working

How I see what you did:

Within a year of meeting your career goal you cheated...again. You argue that's not the way it was but funny it happened right after your probation period was about to end, guaranteeing employment, therefore making me dispensable. When I look back on the first time you cheated, it was also just after you graduated from Paramedic school and was hired by AMR. Again, making me dispensable. Since I was a sucker who believed in us and decided to stick it through, you decided to take advantage once again by going through Fire Academy while I still continued to support you.

You took what you wanted from me and then exited the relationship in a way that still required me to expel the most work and energy. You AGAIN took the easy road. I also believe you chose this route so you could tell people that I was the one who ended this relationship. In fact you have told me this yourself by telling me I was the one who decided to end the relationship and rejected you!! How this comment makes sense to you, I have no idea.

What about supporting me in my dreams? What about standing by me when I have something hard to go through like dealing with fibromyalgia? What did I get out of the deal? You re payed me by cheating and making me feel worthless. You could possibly be one of my biggest mistakes.

You made me feel:

• Used
• Small
• Stupid
• Angry
• Like Garbage
• Ugly
• Unwanted
• Disrespected
• Like a step on your ladder
• Drained
• Lost
• Like nothing
• Boring
• Never good enough

I guess I should give you credit for being the most deceitful person I have ever met and ever care to meet. You really did have the wool pulled over my eyes, but it has been ripped away and now I can see you for what you really are. I pity those who cross your path. You thought you could steal my strength from me, but you're wrong. You can't claim my strength and from now on I will be wary of whom I share it with.