Timing is Everything

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: Lots

I broke it off with 15 again last night. I felt horrible and don't even know if it was the right decision. All I know is I don't have the energy to put into another relationship. I'm not ready to compromise. My feelings for her are very strong and I love being with her, so it will be hard and lonely to say goodbye.

I feel like I'm floating. I don't know which direction is up. I'm ready for this pain to be over. I always thought I had control over my emotions and psychological well being, but I have been proven wrong this last week. I am still off balance and I can't seem to right myself. My wounds run deeper than I realized or should I say wanted to admit.

It's so frustrating that J will NEVER know the pain she has caused me. All I want to do is express this pain, but there just isn't any way that I can and it builds and festers until I have an uncontrollable melt down. I wonder how many more I will have to endure?

Until these pass, I can't invest in someone else. It's not fair to them and it's not healthy for me.

I'm truly sorry 15 and I wish you luck. I never wanted to hurt you and I really DID think I was ready to move forward with someone, but I was wrong. The past is still holding me back from having the future I can see with you. You are a beautiful, wonderful and amazing person and I will miss you dearly. If only our timing would have been better.