Wierd Feelings

Mood: Flash back fever
Pain Scale: 4

I don't know if it's just the time of year or the fact J has contacted me recently, but I keep getting wierd flash back feelings of the tramatic events of last year. I keep thinking "Wow, it's been almost a year...a month from now I found out J was not what she seemed and my world changed as I knew it. How could she have treated me so awfully?? What the hell happend??"

Sometimes I miss her tremendously and then the next minute I truly hate her. I still haven't spoken to her since I vowed not to. That was a good move on my part. But every so often she sends me a text or email. Part of me thinks it's just another way for her to mentally torment me, because each time she does it, it takes time to get her out of my head again. Sometimes I just want to simply reply back "LOOSE THIS NUMBER!!!" but I know that would just prompt more contact. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRGGG!!

It really effects my view of relationships now. I don't think I will ever fully trust that I won't be left again for somone else no matter how much I'm reassured. I feel like she destroyed some of my innocence. I try not to be tainted...but I am. Now I know what people mean when they say they have baggage. YUCK.

But things with 15 are swell even with a my occasional emotional speed bumps!! We are planning a trip to Hawaii in September! I can't wait for that. It feels like forever since I've had a "real" vacation!! I can't wait to actually spend a full week with her!! And it must be going good, cause I've gained 5 lbs!!! Damn it!!