Blah!

Mood: Crappy

Pain Scale: 6



I just feel crappy today. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the TTC journey or the weather but I'm in a poopy mood!



I have so much self doubt. J and I keep arguing over the smallest stuff. It's raining outside, take that back, now it's hailing. Our car is in the shop. My boss is out of town for the week (in a normal world this would be good, but he is the only other person in the office and it gets lonely after one day). J is working an OT shift on Sat (more alone time). I want chocolate.



Blah! I am soooo tired of being with myself! I can't wait until J doesn't work nights anymore!

Fibs

Mood: Sore

Pain Scale: 6

Weight: 132



I was pondering just how am I going to come up with excuses for all the IUI appointments???



I work in a really small office (me + the boss). I work from 7am - 3pm, so it is a possibility to make all my appointments after 3pm. But is this realistic? At this point I don't know how many ACTUAL appointments there will be. We haven't discussed if we will be monitoring this first cycle or not.



If it ends up just being the IUI appointment, I can probably pull it off, but what if I have to go in every couple days to monitor??? How did others fool their bosses? What if this takes more than 3 months!!! Oie!



I don't plan on telling the boss that we're trying to get pregnant. In fact, I don't plan on saying anything until we're pregnant and in the second trimester. This may be hard. Since he is the only other person in the office he might start to notice bouts of Clomid hysteria, mysterious reoccurring sickness and a bountiful of dentist/doctor appointments.



So far my plan is to blame it on the accident and say I have physical therapy. I think this plan may serve me well for a month or two. After that, who knows.

---

I'm still on the Joe. Can't seem to stop. Will keep trying. Weak.

Our Rear-End

Mood: Angry

Pain Scale: 7

Weight: 132.4



We were rear-ended on Monday. Funny enough I had played hookey from work to hang out with the wife when the incident occurred. We were on our way home sitting STOPPED at a red light when WHAM!!! This guy barrels into us at approx. 25-30 mph!! We heard no screeching breaks or anything. I hit the steering wheel and my knee hit the dashboard. Wife hit the dashboard and her coffee went everywhere. Rascal (our little chihuahua) thankfully was guarded by our arms and didn't hit anything.



I was stunned and dazed just sitting in the car at first. DP, being a paramedic, jumped out of the car to check on the other driver once she realized WE were ok. He was ok too. Our cars are another story.



We called the police to get a police report and yesterday we noticed that the report is CRAP! It doesn't say anything on it!!! It doesn't even have the areas of impact circled on the little diagram. I'm hoping the cop is typing one up at the office and we will receive it in the mail shortly. He better!



The driver said a big truck had drove by (which we saw too) and splashed mud on his windshield so he couldn't see. It had also just started to rain. I want to know, why the hell was he going so fast if he couldn't see out of his windshield!!! He also stated that he worked in the area, which means he KNEW there was a red light there. What is wrong with people??!!!



Our car (2005 Toyota Corolla S) was drivable. His was not. He was driving a Ford Taurus (wagon I think). It was totally crunched in. Fluid was leaking from it. It wouldn't start. Both his airbags were deployed. His windshield was broken. Our car totally buckled near the back window. Our bumper is shot. The inside of the trunk is totally bent upwards. The frame is all bent to hell. Did I say that this is my FIRST NEW car and it's only TWO years old!!! It's also my first accident. I've never been in one before and I hate them!!!



We immediately drove the car to the body shop to get an estimate on the damage. $6,000 to 7,000 so far. And part of that is only a guesstimation of repair needed for the frame, which you can't see!!! CRAP!!! That's like half the value of the car!!! Let's not even talk about what the accident has done for the resale value! Our car will be out of commission for at least 2 weeks to be repaired. We don't have much rental car insurance either!!We are also both experiencing back and neck pain.



The thing that makes me the angriest. Is that I was starting to feel better. I was getting the Fibro under control. I felt that my body was fairly close to being ready for pregnancy. Now my back is hurting, my Fibro is most likely going to flare and I'm F***ING stressed out!!! But I have to remind myself that thankfully we we weren't preggo or in the TWW. *sigh*



Damn it.



Pictures of the "car"nage.

Did She Just Say NO Coffee???

Mood: Unorganized

Pain Scale: 6



Tomorrow I am going to try and drop the coffee...YIKES. ""bites nails"" Hopefully it's not as bad as I know it will be. I'm going to drink green tea and fertili-tea (catchy name isn't it) instead. I know you're saying "You crazy chic, there's still caffeine in that!!". I'm not switching to quit the caffeine just yet. I'm switching to enhance my CM as well as help me with the NO caffeine transition once the pod is on board. Green tea to mint tea sounds easier than Coffee to mint tea. Let's hope nothing stressful comes up tomorrow!!

Wifey Excitement

Mood: Impatient

Pain Scale: 5



J is sooo excited! I have never seen her get all excited like this, even when we were in the process of trying way back when. Now I know we made the right choice to use Dr. Z and do IUIs. I really didn't realize how much stress it put her under when we were doing it ourselves at home. I know she didn't like seeing, touching or handling her brothers swimmers, I mean who would, but I didn't think it really bothered her that much. I guess my ears and eyes weren't as open as I thought they were.



She had called me last night on her way to work to talk about what color we should paint the baby room and thought maybe we should do it this weekend! How cute!! She also wanted to discuss what baby furniture we preferred. *sigh* I love my wifey!

Balls Deep

Mood: nervous

Pain Scale: 3



The PD appointment went great!! We discussed all our insemination options: home vs. office, clomid vs. no clomid. We took all the options with us and talked with the boys about them and came up with the following game plan:

• We're going with in office IUIs


• We are going to use clomid


• We may possibly supplement the IUI with 1 home insem as well


• We are starting not this cycle but the next one (end of March)

In a nut shell we have decided to go balls deep! Here is our reasoning:

• Office IUI: This increases our chances of getting preggo faster, thus imposing less demands on KD if pregnancy happens sooner. For some reason, it makes J and KD feel less anxious about the whole process in turn making my life a little easier.


• Clomid: My cycles are sooo irregular that this will help give us a better idea of when to expect O to happen and may shorten up my cycle.


• Supplemental baster session: Why pay for 2 when you can do one at home.


• Starting in March: KD has to get tested by our Dr. if she is to use his sperm and I've already started this cycle, making it too late to start.

Possible other things we discussed which may be implemented:

• Dr. Z says my luteal phases may be a bit short and she may want to use progesterone to get the type of temp spike she prefers to see during the TWW.


• Follicle ultrasounds.


• Further testing on me if we're not successful after 3 IUI cycles.

So, I didn't get the outcome I was pulling for, but after all the discussions I think it is better to involve the white coats. As much as I would love for us to conceive in the privacy of our own home, J and KD stress out sooo much, that it will just make it less stressful on me to go in. If it helps them stay calm by involving medical science to achieve baby Beale-Stow then rock on momma, that's what we're going to do.....well, and I'm outnumbered. So, WHOOO HOOO! I got my date and we're ready to catch the baby train!!



Dr. Z and staff were also very impressed with my charts. I think they kinda thought they weren't real!! They said "WOW. Look at those charts. You are soo organized." We are still very pleased with our PD office. The staff and Dr. Z are awesome!!

No Gain? WTF??

Mood: Tired of pain

Pain Scale: 7

Weight: 133.6



I was quite surprised today at the meeting when I actually lost weight. I had to look at the number twice! I didn't have a horribly bad week food wise, but it wasn't the best either. My uterus also feels like it's about to fall out at any second. I usually always gain or stay the same when AF is near. My whole body feels like it's been someones punching bag. I hate being sooo sore all over. It's the worst at period time.-->INSERT MORE COMPLAINING AND PITIFUL WHINES HERE<--



We have a full weekend planned. Very unusual for us homebodies. We are celebrating Small's b-day (KD's partner), so we will be heading up to the city on Saturday night for some dinner and possibly drinks. Sunday we will be hanging out with our family friends B & H to watch the Super Bowl. Fun times. Hopefully I will be able to resist all the bad food!!



Monday is also our second PD appointment. It's a consult to talk about the game plan. The boys aren't able to make it. :( I was really hoping they were available so that they could hear Dr. Z recommend home inseminations before we get the White Coats involved. Oh well, J will be there and she is the most important person to convince.



I haven't written down my questions yet...don't know if I will. I might just waltz in and see how it goes. I will be bringing in all my charts so she can check them out. I don't think she has the slightest clue that I've been at this for awhile and it's turned into the Grand Experiment with cycle length averages and insemination summaries. It will be fun to see the look on her face when I hand her my Lesbian Conception Report. Hee hee hee.

Afternoon Daydreams

Mood: Excited

Pain level: 6



I can't stop thinking about March!! At work I continuously grab my calendar and look at my upcoming predicted cycle dates and daydream...



~big belly~pre-natal pilates~homemade baby food~cloth diapers~ strollers~ maternity leave~nursing~maternity clothes~birth~midwives~pregnancy test~ the announcement~baby clothes~play dates~*SIGH*



It can't come fast enough! Those boys better be ready by March or I may just have a baby breakdown!! I am soooo ready to have baby Beale-Stow!!



So...what are YOU thinking about??

Me Aching Back

Mood: Grouchy

Pain Level: 7



My back is KILLING me today. I'm not sure if it's the Fibro or what. I DO know that AF is on the way and my body always gets more painful at that time. AHHHHHHH. It makes it sooo hard to concentrate!!! I have our trusty ole raw popcorn homemade heat bag thinga-ma-jig on my neck right now. oooooo feels good. Hopefully tomorrow it will feel better. This is one of those times I wish I would have taken the Rheumatologist up on some of those muscle relaxers she offered me. :)

Baby Fever & High Rollers

Mood: Optimistic

Pain Scale: 4

Weight: 134.8



I am feeling very good and optimistic today. I feel like we're on the right track and this baby thing just may happen!! We have our PD appointment coming up in about a week. We've invited the boys as well. I hope they can make it. I think it would be good if all of us could be there. So, hopefully we will formulate a game plan so my crazy anxiety about a start day can be laid to rest.



I've lost 5.2 lbs since starting the WW meetings. I only have 15 more lbs to go till I meet my goal of 120 (although I may settle at 10 depending on baby plans). *wide grin*



AND...we have decided to go to vegas for my 30th!! This will be the first time for the both of us. What? You crazy lesbians have never been to Vegas?? We're hoping our closest friends B&H can come with us. If we do start insems in March, I will just be finding out if we're preggo or not before our flight. So, it could be bottoms up or let's look at all the baby clothes in Vegas (you think they have baby clothes on the strip?) Either way it will be a b-day to remember....although, I don't know if it can beat the b-day I jumped out of a plane!

Operation Double B

Mood: Optimistic

Pain Scale: 3

Weight: 140



Operation Boat Body



My partner and I just bought a boat and we decided we are in need of a little slimming and toning before boat season comes around!! I've been trying to lose weight to get pregnant for a year now and I can't seem to kick my own butt in gear so I'm getting someone to kick it for me and then I will go home and kick my partners. :) In theory we think it will work.



So today I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting to try and lose 20lbs. I was a little nervous at first walking in. I thought people may look at me and say "Why is SHE in here?" It wasn't too bad, the receptionist did say "Well you don't have much to lose at all!!" Hell lady, it sure feels like I do!! Everyone was friendly and it got me excited. Rah Rah Rah!!



So wish me some luck or send me vibes that make broccoli look like chocolate!!

Missing

Mood: family, family, family

Pain Scale: 7



I've been MIA for quite a while now. Sorry...needed a break. Sometimes charting for no reason just gets to you and makes the time go by soo MUCH slower. I get so obsessed with charting, stalking the boards and dreaming about what could be, that I can drive myself to insanity!!! BREATH. BREATH. As soon as I start my next cycle (which is any day now) I will be back to charting. We will be going to see the PD in the beginning of Feb. Damn, I just remembered I forgot to take my Prenatal this morning.



Christmas was good times this year. My mom and my mom-in-law were both visiting and of course they kept asking "So when are you going to start trying again?". They are both very excited and can't wait to rub my swollen belly. My mom told me that she recently had a dream that I called and told her that I was preggo with twins and asked if she could move down to help me out. She was tickled pink about it and insists we are now going to have twins! That's fine with me. I've always wanted twins and it does run in the family.



New Years Resolution: Lose 15-20 lbs and get PREGGO!!!

The Verdict is In

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 4



The boys are still a go!! Yeah! J had a chance to bring up the topic and they replied that they are still in it to win it! NICE. They said they would be ready around March or April (due to testing that needs to be done first). A little sad, but at least we now have a time frame of when this project will get it's spermy grant to continue on. On the positive side, this gives me time to lose more weight, build muscle in the right areas, pay off debt and get all our tests done.



So...more loud tick tock sounds from my clock while I anxiously wait for the light to turn green. So all you FF gals out there...show me some more BFPs so I can stalk and live vicariously through you until April!

We love Dr. Z!!

Mood: Happy

Pain Scale: 6



Our appointment with Dr. Z was awesome!! I was sooo nervous before going that I was a total beeyoch to J **grimace**, but my fears were put to rest! Dr. Z made me feel very comfortable and I didn't feel judged or stupid (even with her finger up my anus, suprise)! She also has these cool PD chairs instead of the regular o'le spread-um tables. Way more comfortable! **I love new technology** This doc is hip! The office staff was humorus and bubbly and they even offered J a cappuchino while she waited. AND...they had a heater going in the exam room so I dind't freeze my naked booty off! How good can it be??



She fits most of the top criteria: queer friendly, #1 hospital, infertility treatments w/fresh sperm. The only strike against her was that she doesn't work directly with a midwife. When asked this question, she replied "I don't have a "stable" of midwives, but I do have patients who use them and can give you some recommendations if you wanted to work with one." ROCK ON!!! Can I hug you??



>pinch< >pinch< Could this chick be real?? Wow, we finally found someone who is willing to help us get preggo AND deliver without prejudice! How exciting! I was also very excited that she gave me a prescription for some prenatal vitiamins, ordered prenatal blood work AND set up another appointment in Feb (J invited) to go over my charts and come up with a game plan for March! Keeper...she's a Keeper. We are definately going forward! It feels more real now! Hurry up March, I'm ready to salsa dance with the stork!

Almost time to see the PD

Mood: irritable, impatient, nervous

Pain Scale: 8



I'm sooo nervous. It's 6 days until I have to go see a stranger and talk about sperm plans, my lesbian lifestyle, and let her peak at my nether lands!!! I hate the PD!! I hope she is as open minded as she appears!! I also haven't started my period yet! I thought I would have started by now, but of course not. Nothing goes as planned. Oh well, maybe it will turn out to be just a consult.



I am soooo tired of waiting!! I just want this journey to start. Hopefully the Dr. visit will jump start it. I'm almost ready to just go with a frozen pop. To me, it almost seems easier. This has got to be one of the longest projects I've ever taken on! I'm usually a wham bam thank you mam kinda girl. None of this off on off on never reach your goal stuff!

I wish I had one!!!

This video got me rollin!!

Nothing is better than a baby's laugh!

Are we there Yet??

Mood: time confused

Pain Scale: 7



I have rescheduled our PD appointment to a more convenient time for J. The last appointment was just too early for her on a day she has to go to work*. It is now December 4 @ 1pm. *sigh* Seems so far away...but on the other hand I feel as if there isn't enough time in the day to work, study, go to school, clean the house, eat and sleep. I am feeling time confused. Time is soooo slow yet oh so fast.



Haven't heard from the boys yet about when they think we can start inseminations. In fact we haven't even spoke of it since...hmmmm...well, a couple of months ago. ^!^blink blink^!^ They had some vacations planned so we had agreed to discuss it when they got back. Well they got back the week before last and nothing yet. J says she hasn't had the right moment to bring it up. I'm going to hang out with them on Friday, but I think I too will wait until they bring it up. Well, unless I have a couple of drinks and my lips start to feel a little loose :). Funny things families. I know I shouldn't worry about it, cause nothing can happen till after that PD appointment, but part of me is just itching to hear them say "Yeah! January looks good". Ohey Vey!

---

*J is currently working the night shift on the box from 2100 - 0700

1st PD Interview Date Set

Mood: Tired

Pain Scale: 2



I've set up an appointment with an OB (otherwise known as the PD: pussy dr)that seems to maybe fit the bill. She delivers at my #1 preferred hospital, she takes our insurance and she SEEMS queer friendly. I haven't found out if she does fresh IUI or if she works with midwives. I'm not too worried about the midwife thing becuase the hospital I chose has Midwives working in the maternity ward.



Last night I couldn't sleep just thinking about the appointment. So many questions to ask. I hope that J can make it to the appointment with me, but it's @ 12:30 which for her is 4am. I'm going to call and see if I can schedule it for a monday or for a later time slot.



Onward!!! Operation baby, here we come!!

Queer Patient in a Straight World

Mood: Mad as hell

Pain scale: 6



So the time is growing nearer and we're on the hunt to find the perfect Dr. The hunt is frustrating me to death. I am very particular when it comes to who's going to be poking and proding my nether regions for 9 consecutive months! So, I suppose a lot of the frustration I'm feeling is do to my strict guidelines. This is what I'm looking for:

• Queer friendly OB


• OB that works with a midwife


• OB that has privileges at one of my preferred hospitals


• OB who's covered under our insurance


• OB who would be willing to do fresh sperm inseminations


• OB who is a very open minded and friendly person

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I tried one recommended office yesterday only to be greeted by a mean receptionist. Our conversation went like this:

---

• me: Hi, I would like to set up an annual exam.


• Meanie: Can you hold?


• me: sure


• no sound for several min
• sound of phone dropping


• Meanie: can I help you?


• me: yes, I wanted to set up an annual exam?


• Meanie: are you already a patient?


• me: no


• Meanie: what type of insurance do you have?


• me: blue shield
• Meanie: do you belong to a group?


• me: Santa Clara
• Meanie: is it HMO or PPO?
• me: HMO
• Meanie: Well our next available appointment isn't until January
• me: WOW really.....well when in January?
• Meanie: mmmmm...the 5th.
• me: is there an appointment after 3pm?
• Meanie: we don't see patients after 3.
• me: I'll call back.
• Click

---

The tone of her voice was very rude. I felt like she was judging me on the type of insurance I had. It made me sooo mad yesterday!! I've tried some other recommendations, but no luck getting in to see them so far. So, I'm still on the hunt. My social anxiety doesn't help in the least bit either!!! This is the worst! I wish there was some kind of listing with queer friendly Dr. on it. I've looked for one but haven't found one yet!

Little toes and fingers everywhere!

Mood: impatient

Pain Scale: 3



Doesn't seem like when your TTC that there is a baby or pregnant woman around every turn!! I know it's just that you notice them more than you did previously, but gosh, they are everywhere!!!