Chasing My Tail

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: 4

What the hell am I doing? I can't recall a time where I've felt more lost. I get these crazy impulsive itches to move or quit dancing or quit my social group or to just plain run away from everything!! I'm guessing that it stems down to finding out who I am. I sooo wish I would have gone through this in my 20s like most people. This is a hard task and I am not really enjoying it.

I feel much more comfortable focusing on someone else, thus the reason for my immaturity in the know thy self department. I really don't have a clue what Li Li wants or likes. Let's dissect our current situations:

Dancing: I really like dancing, but starting to despise the sexual attention. I've been reevaluating how I can change that. Not quite sure at this point other than to try and keep work and friends separate. May just quit, but told myself to wait a couple of weeks to see if I feel the same. I would really miss the added income!

Work: is boring! Positives are: pays the bills, great coworkers, stability, flexible. Negatives: goes no where, golden leash, San Jose, does not challenge my abilities.

San Jose: I so don't like living here!! This town blows!! Reasons for staying: friends, job, Lucky. Reasons for leaving: happiness, friends, family. The biggest reason for not REALLY checking into leaving at this point is money and economy. I would like to pay off some bills and the rest of my car before such a big move. Also the economy really sucks right now and I'm afraid I wouldn't find another job!! So the main thing in my way is fear!

Lucky: So I've been dating Lucky and I really like her. I like her too much. She is about 6 months out of a 4yr relationship and I know she is still dealing with some of the aftermath. I too am still dealing with lingering baggage. I am trying not to be too crushed out, but it's hard because she is awesome! I keep putting on one running shoe in preparation to just run, but I'm trying not to let fears get the better of me! HA! Maybe it's better to just run instead of getting hurt, but then again I feel it could be worth the risk. This one really gets me. Still evaluating. Trying to just stay light.

J: This MaHa is just plain pissing me off. I know I need to quit finding closure from her. Her evasiveness and open ended responses just keep me spinning into no where. I don't know why I get the wild hair up my ass every so often to contact her. STOP IT!! It's like some crazy addiction. How twisted is that?

Wants: TRUE friends...damn this is a hard question...to live some where fulfilling, to feel accomplished, a goal.

Hmmmm...don't know if this list shed any light for me. Maybe if I reread it in a couple of days, I will see something.

Relapse of Sorts

Mood: Sad, PMS, Tired
Pain Scale: 8

I'm not quite sure why, but lately I have been SUPER sad again over J. Maybe it's cause the therapy sessions are bringing it up and making me deal with it all or maybe it's just the time of year or maybe it's just my damn PMS.

It will be two years ago this coming Tuesday. That dreaded day I confronted her and realized life as I knew it was changing drastically. I've cried twice in the last week over the loss. I haven't cried about it in about 6 months. I HATE crying. H-A-T-E it.

At this point from what I can gather is I'm sad over that fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me!! I don't get this!! She just wants to forget me, pretend we never happened, go on with life like I was never there. It's very hurtful. Another J wound slashed on top of another. *sigh*

I guess what kills me is that /I/ keep on trying!! I've gone over it in therapy. I'm looking for closure from her, which I will most likely NEVER get, but keep trying to obtain it. I know at some point I will figure a way to suture it closed my damn self!

Sick Sick Sick

Mood: Tired and sick
Pain Scale: 6

Can I just tell you how sick I am of being sick!! I'm coming up on 5 (yes, she said FIVE) weeks of this yucky, crappy, coughy, congested, tired iks!! Got a doc appointment this afternoon. I will have to revisit the conversation we had in October about there being something wrong with me!! There just has to be! I've never been this sick in my life! Today I was totalling it up and in the last 6 months I've been sick at least once a month! That is WAY too much to be normal. And...it takes my body FOREVER to kick it!

Last October is when I asked for my blood tests because I was tired of being sick ALL the time back then! They told me everything was normal...how can this be? There must be something afoot here! Obviously my body can't fend for itself because it's already sent out the troops for some other fight! Well, hopefully today they will send me someplace to be poked and prodded to find out what the HELL is going on!

I don't have much hope about all that though. In my experience doctors don't ever REALLY know what's going on!! Sorry to the docs out there, but....it's kinda true.

So cross your fingers I get some antibiotic for now and some tests that help answer the question "What the hell is going on with this body?"

Day and Life

Mood: Whatever
Pain Scale: 7

Rolling along here...sometimes at light speed and sometimes at a slow crawl. I've been keeping myself pretty busy with work, socializing and volunteering. Been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I do NOT think this is much fun. Good for me I suppose.

Wasn't lookin' to date anyone, but then again it always happens when we aren't looking. It's someone I've known from years ago. She lives in Santa Cruz which is about 30-45 min from here. It's good. The distance. It keeps my crazy intense Aries in check. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not getting all wrapped up in it. I do like her quite a lot which scares the CRAP out of me. So much that I thought I should take the risk to at least explore it! Sooooo didn't want to do that, but when you feel something, you feel something. Be stupid not to investigate a mutual feeling.

Been almost overwhelmed with socialization. Always some crazy lesbian drama going down. I don't do drama!! I'm ready for a low key weekend without so much social stimulus.

Decompress.

I wish...

we had gone to counseling
I knew what I was doing
I didn't hurt so much
I had some direction
I wasn't so neurotic
I didn't have Fibromyalgia
I would have went to college while I was younger
you were still with me
I was in Portland
Cindy were here
I was stronger
texting was NEVER invented
it was 5pm

Arg!!!

Pain Scale: 8
Mood: Glad it's Friday

So much has happened since I last posted!! I've been super busy with protesting, dancing and just hanging with new people the I've been neglecting blog land.

1st off YAY!! for our new president!!! 2nd...what in the HELL California!! What an upset. So LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME.

Well for all of you out there that are also outraged by the passing of Prop 8, tomorrow is your chance to stand up in your own state and fight H8!!! There is going to be a national march November 15th. Everyone is to end up at their City Hall by 10:30. Check here to find the site nearest you and more info!! I urge EVERYONE to get out there and be seen and heard!!!

No on 8 Rally

Mood: Hyped
Pain Scale: 4

On Sunday I attended the biggest Northern California rally against prop 8!! It was awesome!! There were 175 people there. We were LOUD!!! Tons of support from the cars, lots of honking and thumbs up signs.

Got a couple of negative responses, but that is to be expected. It was so awesome to be a part of this. I've been waiting for a chance to get out there and be heard and this was the perfect opportunity.

I made 4 signs for my friends and I. They said:

1. Every Family Deserves = Protection
2. Love = Love
3. Honk for Marriage Equality
4. I don't tell U who U can't marry

It was awesome! There is another one taking place this Sunday and I plan to attend that one as well! Hopefully we'll have even more people. Someone made a video and I've posted it below. Can't really see me, but I'm in there!

.

Sick Again

Mood: Blah!

Pain Scale: 7

I am sick again!! I am sooooo tired of being sick. My immune system really sucks this year! I've had this ugly cold since LAST Thursday. UGH. Cough/Green snot/Congestion/Deaf/Dizzy/Low Energy.


I've made an appointment with the Doc for Monday. I think at this point the uggy green goblins should be gone from my nose, not building houses!! Hopefully it's something they can remedy and not just tell me to wait it out for another week! I'm also thinking of asking for some blood tests to make sure that everything is ok. I'm not generally a sick person, but my god, it seems someone with the iks can look at me and I'll catch it! And on top of that, it takes me FOREVER to kick it. Maybe it's part of the Fibromyalgia. Maybe I need to eat better. Maybe I'm stressed. Who knows, but I've got to do something different. Being sick sucks.


Not much more news on the home front. Got some new gigs dancing. Met some new people. Ponder Portland. Curse at this horrid economy. Curse at the election brew-ha-ha.

Back from Paradise

Mood: Energetic
Pain Scale: 3

Well, I've been back for about a week and half. BUMMER. I was SO bummed to come back home. I didn't really realize it until I was getting ready for the airport and the blues hit me. It's taken me about a week to get over them!! But now I'm on the ups and feeling good.

Hawaii was great! It was fun to go with a group of gals. This was my first "Girls" trip and I have to say it had some side splitting moments.

Most of our time was spent relaxing, shopping or giving each other shit. I had to trade in my convertible mustang for a mini van. You should have seen us all try to squish into the mustang on the first day!! Hilarious! I said "This is just not going to work!" So from hot car to mom car. The van was MUCH more comfortable.

We saw the beach, a luau, many sunsets, a sea turtle, fish, spinner dolphins, tons of shops, palm trees (which I made everyone give names to), the aquarium, awesome restaurants, mai tais and hit some local bars.

All and all is was a great time and I even contemplated moving there, but then decided there is no way I could live on an island. I would do it again. Pictures to come soon!!

Beach Beach Baby

Mood: Fairly good, a little bloated
Pain Scale: 2

T-minus 2.5 days till HAWAII!! Yaaaay!! I will be going to Maui for 7 whole days!! Whoop! Whoop! I'm actually not super excited yet, cause it doesn't quite feel real. I'm sure by Friday I will be feeling the ocean breezes calling louder.

Originally I had planned this trip with 15 way back in January. So upon the breakup I had to scramble to change the plans. I asked some friends, but none were able to make the get away so I asked my coworker. She said hell ya and now her P-town friend, her niece and the niece's roommate will be coming (and not that it's a big deal, but they are all straight). There will be 5 of us!! Should be fun. This trip has turned out to be completely opposite of it's original plan.

I rented a one bedroom condo. Full Kitchen. Almost on the beach. Wash and Dryer. All the good amenities. We're planning on taking it fairly easy, chillin' on the beach, around the condo pool and just take things as they come.

Only negative about this trip...besides no fun lover to share Maui with...is I'm possibly going to be on my period!! Damn it!! I'm always on my period during a vacation. Bloated bellys and bikinis here I come!!

Love Languages

Mood: Sick
Pain Scale: 5

The Five Love Languages. Ever since this book was introduced to me by my ex in the early stages of our relationship, I've tried to pass it on to anyone who will read it!! It makes so much sense to me and it really helped me be able to articulate what I needed from someone else. I highly recommend this book to everyone out there!! It's a must read!!

So I took this little quiz to see if what I thought my Love Language is, actually is. I got it right!!

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Words of Affirmation.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Words of Affirmation:		8
Acts of Service:		5
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

Parking Nightmare

Mood: Super Cranky

Pain Scale: 3

I dropped my classes. The story goes...

My first class was to start last Wednesday at 6pm. The school is "15" min from my house by freeway. I gave myself 40 min to get there, park and find my class.


The traffic getting there was a NIGHT.MARE. I knew there would be traffic on the freeway, come on it's rush hour, but the traffic trying to get to the school after the exit on the surrounding streets was ridiculous. It's one of those times when you go "Who the hell planned out these streets? They should be fired." There is one way to get there from the freeway exit and it seems the majority of the school takes that route. I had to sit through the first left turn signal 3xs!!!!! The second left turn took another 3xs!!!


At this point I had 10min to make it to class. I was getting agitated. I HATE being late!!


First parking lot...FULL with 4 cars circling...second parking lot...FULL with about the same amount of people circling...third parking lot...FULL, more cars circling...and the same in lots four, five, six. Grant you these are not huge parking lots, but they were the closest to the building I had to be at. So I decided, screw it! I will go to the 4 or 5 story parking garage on the other side of campus and just book it to the classroom. Also looked for street parking on the way to the garage, but it was all taken.


Make it to the parking garage at around 6. I see cars coming out. Good sign. I will surely find some parking. Follow the long line of cars in. Circle around and around and around. All F.U.L.L. I think to myself "There has to be some spots on the top floor, there's always spots on the top floor!" FULL. Circle back through on my way down. Still full. People 4 cars ahead would sometimes getting lucky. Bastards. I exit the parking garage and continue onto the next parking lot.


Circle lot...FULL FULL FULL!!! It is now 6 mother fuckin' 38. I spot an opening, but I have to circle around. Don't see anyone whose going to make it before me...YES!!! Then the guy behind me guns it, passes me and steals my spot!!!! I flip him the bird and yell some obscene words. ASSHOLE. I try not to cry in frustration and just say screw this I'm outta here!! I look for the closest exit and high tail it out of that crazy circus!!


There is nooooo way I'm going to do that 3x a week!! I've been to two other colleges before this and have NEVER had a problem parking. In fact, there was always plenty of parking. I might have to hoof it, but I didn't have to circle for 40min to find parking ::wait rephrase:: I didn't have to circle for 40min to find NO parking.


So I decided to drop those classes and wait for the next semester and go to a college where I KNOW there is parking. The added time it will take me to get to the school that's farther away STILL won't compare to trying to find parking at the last place.


Really sucks cause I was looking forward to this soooo much. :( I'm sure there are alternatives such as public transit and carpooling. But being a single girl getting out late and taking mass transit into my neighborhood, I just didn't feel comfortable doing and I don't know anyone to carpool with.

Best of Both

Mood: PMS
Pain Scale: 4

I decided to pick a class from both majors. A business class and a class about colors. I will be going three days a week, M.W.TH. I hope I can pull this off!! What am I saying...I WILL pull this off.

Now I feel like I'm just waiting to get started. I've only got one free week left. That's fine with me. I need something to occupy my mind and time.

I will be missing the fourth week of class, hopefully it won't make me too far behind. I planned my vacation before I decided to kick my ass and get back to school. But...I'm looking forward to vacation too! I need one!! Far away from here!

If anyone has good study habit tips to pass on to me, please do. I am a terrible student. One of my goals is to learn to be a better one! I think I just need to learn effective ways to study.

Gunman

Mood: PTS
Pain Scale: 5

It all started Friday...I was awoken around 3am to a helicopter flying around outside. I didn't think much of this because it's not THAT unusual. Around 330 I was shaken awake as the helicopter flew really close to my house. This was NOT usual. I knew something was going on outside, but I decided to try and go back to sleep and maybe it would be all gone in the morning. Fell back to sleep around 430. 7am my phone rings and it's my coworker (I live and work in the same place). "Have you watched the news yet." "No." "You should turn it on, we're on the news. There is a gunman hiding out in our park." "WHAT?!!"

News Story Here

I go into the living room and turn on the morning news...sure enough, our park is surrounded by a ton of cops and they are starting to arrange a SWAT Team with dogs to check house to house. They also advised we all stay inside and lock our doors and windows, this gunman was considered armed and dangerous!! HOLY CRAP!!

Seems this guy thought it was a good idea to shoot at police during a routine traffic stop and then jump the fence into our park trying to evade them. Little did he know there are only two exits from here and by the time he figured that out the police had the place surrounded.

Around noon about 50-60 SWAT guys came down my street. All in camo, helmets, bullet proof vests and HUGE guns!! They knocked on my door to inform me to stay inside and that they would be searching around and underneath my house. What a trip!! It looked liked I was in a war zone. They had guys stationed at all the corners with their guns up ready for action.

Finally around 1pm the guy decided to give himself up. He was on the last street they had yet to search (they had taken a lunch break).

I stayed pretty calm throughout the ordeal...but as the night wore on and the event evaporated I felt really uneasy, frazzled and emotional. Ironically I had planned to play laser tag that night. I didn't really feel like make believing I was shooting people or have people hunting to shoot me, but I tagged along with my friend just in case I felt different upon arrival. I didn't. Just the thought of it made my stomach queasy. Being around so many strangers and all the loud noises made me nervous. My friend played one game and we decided to go back home.

I stayed home most of the weekend cuddled up in my home processing the whole crazy event. I don't know how our soldiers do it. I never imagined the type of effect it would have on me to be in a situation like that. The crazy thoughts that fly through your mind are enough to exhaust you.

So that was my crazy weekend and hopefully I will never encounter anything like that again!!

Why Do I Have to Pick a Major?

Mood: Waiting
Pain Scale: 4

The dinner didn't happen, but I'm fine with it. 15 took Bucket this weekend and I'm sad about it. I got my student number and now trying to decide what classes to take.

I am still contemplating accounting vs photography degrees...yeah totally opposite. Logic vs artistic. I'm leaning towards the accounting degree just for longevity reasons. It's more of a sure thing and I could still start my own business. Art is always perceptional. I can start that as a hobby and maybe it will mature into something more, but at least I would have a backup if that didn't work out for me.

I'm also trying to decided if I should go balls deep and take two classes or one. I'm leaning towards two. I think I can handle two...I mean what else am I to do with 5 nights to myself??? Plus I want to get this school thing done. I really don't like school and the faster I can do it the better!!

So give me some advice on your experiences and opinions!!

Confessions

Mood: Feeling stupid
Pain Scale: 4

Alright...I've been holding out on you guys. I did something stupid and I don't know what I was thinking. I asked J if she wanted to have dinner. Not because I want to get back with her, but I was feeling I needed to talk to her. I'm looking for closure I guess. It was really nagging me and wouldn't let me rest, so I texted her about two weeks ago to ask.

She agreed and we set it up for the 9th. Now...I thought long and hard about the ramifications of doing this. How it could/would make me feel. What did I want to say? Was it a healthy decision? What was I really looking for?? Would I still have strong feelings for her when I saw her? I don't quite know all the answers to these questions, but what I do know is I am doing this for myself and I believed it would give me something I was looking for.

Well, in true form, she texted me this last Monday to ask if we were still on for the 16th??? Conversation Text:
ME: "I thought it was the 9th?"
HER: "I'm sorry I have to work that night."
ME: looking for the text she had confirmed the 9th with me and forwarding it to her
HER: "Sorry I thought it was the 16th, I messed up"
ME: "Never mind. I don't know what I was thinking?"
HER: "Don't say that. I still want to have dinner with you"
ME: Stunned silence then..."I don't know what to say except I'm hurt"
At this point I'm trying not to text a bunch of mean things like "I knew you would do this" I held my cool
HER: "I'm sorry-I want to make it up to you. I blew it"
HER: "Are you there?"
ME: "Yup"
HER: "Can we still have dinner?"
ME: "If you can make it on the 9th"
HER: "I will try and trade shifts with someone"

I can't tell you the barrage of emotions I felt at this point...but I needed it. I asked for it. I needed that reminder of why I don't talk to her and that I am in no way important to her at all. It kills me that she can still make me feel so insignificant. WOW. And if she doesn't get the 9th off, too bad. That was it. We made plans, she broke them and that's the end. This will NOT be on her terms. I don't HAVE to see her. Obviously she doesn't want to see me...please tell me what's so hard about saying that in the beginning??? I just don't get it.

Even though I still don't know if we will be having dinner (which I highly doubt), it satisfied something in me. I don't know if it closed anything per say, but who knows if even a conversation would do that. I do know that it solidified another brick on my road to moving on!!

Simplicity

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 8 (note to self: due to too much weekend partying, take it easy)

This weekend I rolled down a grassy hill!! And NO, it wasn't an accident. I saw this perfect hill and commented to my friend "That's the perfect hill to roll down, we'll have to do that one of these days." She says "There's no time like the present." and off we were, removing our shoes and trekking to the top of the grassy noll.

The euphoria I had at the bottom was great!! I couldn't stop giggling. It brought back the reason we did it over and over again as kids. It was so much fun and it had been years since I've done it. I got some war wounds on my arms...who knew grass would be sooo sharp!!

I highly recommend everyone to go out and find a hill and roll!!! You won't regret it!! Besides how often do we do things out of the norm and spur of the moment...not often enough!

Official

Mood: Sad
Pain Scale: 3

Well...today is the day. 15 is moving out. The official day is really Saturday, but I'm going to bunk up in a hotel for the night. I figured it would be better for both of us that way. She can pack and get ready for Saturday without the crazy emotional mess that would be created by my presence.

We didn't really officially say goodbye. We hung out with each other last night, said things we wanted to say, cried and slept in each other's arms one last time.

It's sad, but I know it's the right decision.

Boredom Laced with Plans

Mood: Bored
Pain Scale: 3

It's hard to get used to being by yourself. Weird. Trying to find things to fill my time seems like a challenge. I'm sure I will get used to it.

15 will be moving out this coming weekend. We go from good days to bad days. She says she understands where I'm coming from and that she knew she was taking a risk when she got involved with me. I did tell her everything up front. We both agree that we both thought the risk was worth it. Which it was. I am very glad I met her. I wish that we could remain friends. I will miss her friendship dearly. She keeps saying that she doesn't do the friendship thing.

Soon the house will be REALLY quiet. It will just be me and the cats.

I hung out with some gals last night from an online group I joined and it was fun. It was an ice cream social. This Monday we're all supposed to go to a softball game and cheer on some people we know. Sounds fun. Operation friendship in underway.

I enrolled in school again and plan on making that my focus. I really do need to finish and get myself some sort of degree. It's either that or move to P-town, which I seriously throw around a lot. The job market kind of scares me at the moment, so I'm reluctant to take the jump. I also need to save up more money for the move and a couple months of living funds beforehand. So I figure go to school, finish up, move to P-town. That's my long term plan at the moment.

I'm still sad about not building that family I had thought so long about. I've been contemplating trying on my own in 5 years no matter what my circumstances. Another good reason to finish school and get a kickin' job. We'll see.

Life is truly an adventure and you just never know what it has in store for you around the corner.

HeartBreaker

Mood: Contemplative
Pain Scale: 8

Well...I broke 15's heart. I called the whole thing off. I know...how heartless. I had many reasons for this, but the biggest was I'm just not ready for another huge relationship. I want to be selfish. I don't want to compromise with someone else. When you find your mind and heart consumed so much with the past, you're just not ready for the future.

Why don't I ever listen!!! I shouldn't have even gotten into a relationship so soon!! I don't regret going with my heart, but I do regret causing her so much pain.

Back when I met her it was just too hard to ignore the feelings I had for her (and still have), so I thought I would try her on and work on myself at the same time. Doesn't work. I need 100% for me. I really under estimated how much damage I acquired from the last relationship. I have a lot of work to do before I can commit to someone fully.

There were also parts of her personality that brought flashbacks of the past relationship and I did not want to go back there. I guess you really do fall for the same type of person. I will really really really have to keep myself in check on that one!! I should set up a questionnaire for prospective candidates!

I felt really bad being the cause of such tremendous heartache. I feel like I just shared part of my damage with someone that could have done without it. I am really glad I met her though and I wish we could remain friends. I know that's impossible because of our level of attraction for each other, but who knows.

So...I'm back in the fish pond. Part of me is excited and another is scared shit less cause I really haven't ever been alone.

But I'm committed to learning about me. I have a lot to learn as well as a lot to heal. I don't know how long it will take, but at this point I'm pretty sure it will take me awhile.

***********************

Thanks for all the encouraging words!!! It really helped me out and felt like someone was listening to me (which I really needed)!! HUGS to you all!!!