Chasing My Tail

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: 4

What the hell am I doing? I can't recall a time where I've felt more lost. I get these crazy impulsive itches to move or quit dancing or quit my social group or to just plain run away from everything!! I'm guessing that it stems down to finding out who I am. I sooo wish I would have gone through this in my 20s like most people. This is a hard task and I am not really enjoying it.

I feel much more comfortable focusing on someone else, thus the reason for my immaturity in the know thy self department. I really don't have a clue what Li Li wants or likes. Let's dissect our current situations:

Dancing: I really like dancing, but starting to despise the sexual attention. I've been reevaluating how I can change that. Not quite sure at this point other than to try and keep work and friends separate. May just quit, but told myself to wait a couple of weeks to see if I feel the same. I would really miss the added income!

Work: is boring! Positives are: pays the bills, great coworkers, stability, flexible. Negatives: goes no where, golden leash, San Jose, does not challenge my abilities.

San Jose: I so don't like living here!! This town blows!! Reasons for staying: friends, job, Lucky. Reasons for leaving: happiness, friends, family. The biggest reason for not REALLY checking into leaving at this point is money and economy. I would like to pay off some bills and the rest of my car before such a big move. Also the economy really sucks right now and I'm afraid I wouldn't find another job!! So the main thing in my way is fear!

Lucky: So I've been dating Lucky and I really like her. I like her too much. She is about 6 months out of a 4yr relationship and I know she is still dealing with some of the aftermath. I too am still dealing with lingering baggage. I am trying not to be too crushed out, but it's hard because she is awesome! I keep putting on one running shoe in preparation to just run, but I'm trying not to let fears get the better of me! HA! Maybe it's better to just run instead of getting hurt, but then again I feel it could be worth the risk. This one really gets me. Still evaluating. Trying to just stay light.

J: This MaHa is just plain pissing me off. I know I need to quit finding closure from her. Her evasiveness and open ended responses just keep me spinning into no where. I don't know why I get the wild hair up my ass every so often to contact her. STOP IT!! It's like some crazy addiction. How twisted is that?

Wants: TRUE friends...damn this is a hard question...to live some where fulfilling, to feel accomplished, a goal.

Hmmmm...don't know if this list shed any light for me. Maybe if I reread it in a couple of days, I will see something.