Pain!!

Mood: Tired
Pain Scale: 6-7
Day: 27

I'm starting to realize that I crave the relaxation and numbness alcohol gives me when my pain increases.  I've always known that I used it to dull my Fibro, but these days it's becoming more apparent. Ug. I'm gonna have to find something else. :( I wish I had a bathtub. It def helps to soak in a hot bath. I've also contemplated medical marijuana since I can longer buy my muscle relaxers over the internet from Canada. I'm not happy with the Obamacare. Booooooooooooo....totally fucks the single childless lower middle class, aka ME. $275 bucks a month for NOTHING (unless I can magically also pay the $5,000 deductible as well)!! Yea sure if I get deathly ill it will help me out, but what about preventive? What about the pain I'm in NOW! Sigh. So lame. I could rant about it for ages! I'm choosing to pay the fine this year.

Mood: Determined
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 26

It's turning out to be a good week so far! Last week was a bit of a challenge.  I had lots of body pain. Exchanged my usual hard core yoga classes for the gentle classes, but kept my running schedule the same. I think my body was healing old injuries or sorting through old emotions held in those areas.

This week I'm feeling optimistic! I'm proud of myself for having the stamina to keep on this path of lifestyle change I've decided to venture on. I love love love yoga! During my exploration of gentler yoga classes, I found a style that I REALLY like! It's called Yin Yoga. It's very restorative while getting deep deep stretches. I love that it focuses on aligning your meridians. It really fits lovely with my massage skills. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it. I'm going to try to add it to my schedule at least once a week!

Today is day 3 of no smoking. Yup. It's time to hit that up again. I'm excited. I've been waiting for that moment where I knew I was ready. Seeing as I've tried quitting and have quit before, I knew what worked and didn't work for me. I've gotta just have that feeling that I don't want to anymore and FINALLY that day came! Yay!! I'm excited because I really don't think my 1/2 marathon goal would be obtainable while smoking (even though I was having 1 or 2 a day).  I'm excited to expand my lung capacity as well as just smell good ALL the time!

Mentally and emotionally I've been feeling good. I'm fairly aware that (if my cycle observations are correct) that I'm about in middle of my cycle. This usually translates to feeling "normal", upbeat, optimistic, goal oriented, energized.  I've also been buying things like no tomorrow. Had to put the brakes on that! I still have impulses to buy buy buy though! I think my cycle started the last week of November which means the low should be hitting the last weeks of February and at the beginning of March.  Part of the reason I chose to do the yoga 60 day challenge is that the end of it will be going on as I peak and start the down hill. Hopefully it will help me push through and keep active. Fingers crossed!

Fucking Cancer

Mood: Sad
Pain Scale: 7
Day: 20

I finally got to see my boss yesterday. It was great but also really sad. :( He's on the down slope of lung cancer. I just wanted to breathe for him. I've never experienced watching someone close to me die and I have to say this really sucks!! When he talks, I just listen. I have no idea how to respond to some of the things he shares. I try and hold it together around him. Inside I'm crying.

I also work with his son and I can't imagine what he must be going through. He doesn't share much with me. Which makes me feel upset because I've been with my boss for 10 years.  The family tends to keep me out of the loop. I'm starting to get used to it by now. It was a hard realization that I am NOT family, I'm just a "worker" and treated as such.  I feel like so much more! It was just him and I in the office 5 days a week 40+ hours.  That's a lot of time to spend with someone!

It's going to be a challenge during this time to keep my head up and use my new coping skills, but I knew that and signed up for it.  There's no way in hell I want to use my old coping skills for this. Although I'm sure it's gonna hurt like hell in the brightest loudest way.

Mood: Exhausted
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 17

It seems my new workout schedule is causing by body to object. Arrrrrrg. I did my long run on Saturday, but I didn't make it to any yoga classes this weekend. I was sooooooo pooped after my run that I pretty much slept on and off until I had to meet up with my friends for an obligation that night. We went out to two bars and I'm happy to say I stuck with my no drinking! Whooot! I have no idea how I used to stay out till 2:30am on the weekends! I'm getting old. I did get to shake my ass which also lead to old people problems! My lower back is acting up now and it huuuuuurts! I'm hoping some gentle yoga classes will help, cause I got stuff to accomplish!!!

Just figured out that the J cheating anniversary is coming up which could be why I'm being plagued by thoughts of her. Trying to acknowledge them and let them go.

I can't wait for my court date for my drunk in public to come so I can be done and over with that! It's kinda looming over me. Let's get it over with already!!

J Dreams

Mood: Awake!!
Pain Scale: 4
Day: 15

Can't fall back to sleep after a dream about J. sigh. I can't wait for my mind to make peace with her. Lately when she shows up in a dream we are just saying hello or catching up. This time she was interested in sparking things up again. Kept showing me babies. She was also on a plane in some parts and there was a big house on some acreage. Trying to figure out what the heck my mind is trying to figure out. Any who, I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was plagued with memories and feelings. I used to never dream about her, but then again maybe it was because I was just passing out instead of dealing.  I really wish she would just talk to me so I could process and close this shit!! I wonder if it ever goes away??

Reactions in my dream: I wasn't necessarily happy to see her. I was confused and weary. I didn't understand why she was contacting me after all this time. She was not nearby, she was flying around on a plane for most of it.  I was grateful she was talking with me and had some hope way back in my mind.

I'm guessing that I hold some hope that she will contact me at some point in her life and I gather it would be when her relationship is over. I feel her partner is more of the reason she doesn't want contact with me. Well, I think that is the reasoning she uses not to contact me. I could be wrong. It's the only rationalization I can come to for just being written off after sharing 7 yrs together. I don't want to believe that she never really even cared about me. I just don't believe that. There's so many unanswered questions that just swirl in my mind becoming tsunamis when my imagination rumbles with answers of my own.

I started yoga last September. I'm really liking it. I'm concentrating on my practice in hopes it will also help me learn to let go and be in the moment more successfully. I've always loved yoga and would love to one day possibly be a yoga instructor. It has definitely helped me to acknowledge my feelings and thoughts without judging them. I never realized before that I try and change the way I am thinking or feeling. I've always been uncomfortable with feelings. It also helps me to recognize when I'm having negative self talk. Man, I can be such a bitch to myself!! Reminding myself to treat me as I would a friend has helped tons!!

I've chosen fitness as my new coping skill. I'm possibly overdoing it (like a true Aries), but so far so good I think. I started a 60 day yoga challenge. I'm on day 11. I am also starting my running back up. Training to do my first half marathon in June. This was my first week of both activities. So far my body is putting up somewhat of a fight. I gather that would be normal for anyone.  Hopefully my body get's used to the new demands and doesn't try and poop out on me. I refuse to let it dictate what I'm capable of (to a degree).  Fibro sucks ass!! Definitely not a fan.

This year is gonna be about self discovery. Good luck to me!! Having worked two jobs most my 20s and early 30s, I think I lost out on a lot of that self discovery time. I hardly had time to sleep!! This will be my second year of only working 40hrs a week. Damn, you have a lot of spare time when you're not working 60-70 hours!!

Project Reintegration into the Living

Mood: grouchy
Pain Scale: 6
Day: 12

Time to jump back into regurgitating my thoughts and feelings for random strangers to find. Definitely needing an outlet for my chaotic thoughts since drinking to forget/suppress is no longer serving me. It's been a loooooooong couple of years (as you may be able to tell from my once a year updates).

Major 2011-2013 happenings:

• Boss lung cancer
• KC breakup
• Moved to Capitola
• Closed biz
• Suicide attempt
• Moved to San Jose
• Bankruptcy
• Shaved my head
• Arrested for drunk in public

It's been pretty eventful to say the least!! I'm slowly...S.L.O.W.L.Y clawing my way out of what seemed to be a HUGE dark dark hole. I give myself a pat on the back for 2013. I think I did a pretty good job of changing gears and trying to change habits and thought patterns that were no longer serving me.

2013 Self Induced Changes:

• Started running (completed LOTS of 5ks and first 10k)
• Joined a Yoga studio and completed a 30 day Bikram challenge
• Started tracking my drinking
• Started tracking mood "cycle" (possibly bi-polar)

Those things definitely helped me out! I still had some really low times though and had periods of waaaaay too much drinking. I'm definitely proud of myself. I've gotten much better at accepting myself in the moment. Not berating myself for where I think I should be. I've had a hard time dealing with being single and 36. I feel like my dream of a "family" may not happen and that's been a hard pill to swallow. I've been working on trying to let go of that, but it's proven REALLY hard to do gracefully. I pretty much cry whenever I think about it. It's like having memories about someone you loved tons and tons who's  just died.  Social media doesn't help this at all either! All I see are weddings and kids on my feed! It's hard to find people my age who are NOT married and have no kids. And don't get me started on how the government and big business make it less expensive to be a family of four!! It's craziness I tell you!! I might have to start a single person revolution.

I definitely feel like I'm going through a re-birth of sorts. Maybe it's just that midlife crisis everyone jokes about! Shaved head, bankrupt and arrested! It's a good start to a midlife if I do say so myself. Definitely NOT the girl I used to be, that's for damn sure.

2014 Self Growth Plans:

• More running (complete a half marathon)
• More Yoga!!
• No drinking
• Adopt new coping skills for emotions
• Road trip across the US
• More mood "cycle" tracking

So far so good for 2014! I'm off to a good start. Let's see what happens...

Hey all!

It's been a looooong time since I posted. I figured it was a good time to start blogging again. For some reason it gives me solace. Even thought I hate writing in diaries since someone may read it, blogging always comforted me. Weird. I know. Since it's on the world wide web. Eh. I figure who's reading anyways.

I guess I should really start where it left off, but that was so long ago I'm not even sure where that was. So...KC my last partner decided to transition. In fact, that was all fine and dandy with me really. I have always liked the "in-betweenies". The problem for me lied in the fact that he could never really hold down a steady job. Therefore leaving me with having to support us both. Not ok in my book. I mean I gave it almost 3 years for him to get his shit together. So, we have separated. I pretty much kicked him out of the business, which he didn't really participate in on a regular basis anyway. I moved out and now I'm living with two other roomates and working my ASS off trying to get this business off the ground.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited to have my own business, but if I knew I was going to be doing it alone I would have gone about it in a whole different manner.

Major Key Updates:

• Moved to the isolated Santa Cruz Mountains
•  Partner starts transition from female to male
• Did Groupon with business
• Gave 90 day notice to my current job so I could do my Groupons
•  Boss of previous job was diagnosed with lung cancer
• Stayed with previous job to help out my boss while he went through chemo and recovery
• Working 7 days a week
• Isolated Mountains were no good! Indulged in drinking and non working
• Ex (J if your following) started to reciprocate my contact
• Blew that contact cause I would get drunk and txt or call inappropriately
• Decided being sober was the way to go
• J blocked my calls/txt because of my drunk dialing habits
• Decided to leave my partner because of lack of support to get sober or help with healthy drinking habits
• Moved out and moved in with roommates near my place of business
• Got sober for a good 3 months
• Have been running the business on my own for 6 months
• Been going to counseling with partner to see where things would lead (read on to learn more)
• Started to occasionally drink again

So there is the past year or so in recap.

Drinking
I believe my partner (ex-partner KC) is an alcoholic.   In the beginning I tried to control it. That was of no use, so instead I decided to join her. Quite honestly those were the worst 12 months of my life. I have thrown so much away since that time. In my whole adult life, I have never let so many aspects of my life go to waste as those 12 months. It's crazy to think back about it now. I LOVE to party. I like the night life, I like having my wine on the weekends and having fun with friends. I often over indulge, but something about this girl made me forget about everything important. NEVER in my life have I not been able to pay my rent. With her....it was a struggle. I've been living on my own since 17 (I'm 35 now) and we had trouble paying our rent. I would always make sure I could at least pay my bills. For some reason she could rationalize why it was ok to sluff off our responsibilities and for some reason I would always give in to her reasons. I don't know. Maybe cause I wanted to believe it was true. That some how checks and money would magically appear like she stated. But in the end it was always ME holding the bag trying to keep it all together.

You know how they always say you repeat your mistakes until you actually learn them, well I think KC was part of that. For some reason I needed to learn AGAIN that being taken advantage of is NOT on my agenda. But for some reason I always seem to want to "help" my partner out to my own detriment. I truly tried to help her in so many ways along our journey to find a fabulous career or to build a business. What kills me is that he has soooo much family support to do whatever the fuck he wants and he just doesn't do it.  He blindly told me they didn't want to help him. Cause "he was different". So, I invested tons of time and money to help him become what he always wanted to be. Guess what? NOTHING. AND his family still helps  him. Part of me is so enraged about it. My family doesn't have the means to help me become what I want, I've never had anyone backing me and yet with all this help he can't fucking find a place in the world. Sorry, feeling a little jaded and used. It all goes back the to the J lesson. I always give more to someone else than myself.

*smoke break*

Resolutions

Mood: Good, Productive

Pain Scale: 4

It's a new year. New goals. Old goals. Refreshed outlook. Why does a new year always feel like the start of new beginnings, when in actuality it's the same old shit that was there before. *shrugs*   Anyhow, I always fall for it. This year my resolution is to make more phone calls.

I have some sort of whack-a-doo phone phobia. I literally get sick to my stomach thinking about dialing the phone and when it rings. I haven't quite figured out why the hell I have this reaction, but I do. I've actually been doing fairly well. Hopefully I can keep it up.

2010 in Review:

• Moved to Santa Cruz
• Graduated massage school
• Started a massage business
• Gained 20lbs
• Partied hardy
• Spoke my mind to my Pops

Wow! Fairly productive year!  I have high hopes for this year! The business is already picking up and breaking even.  Kstar should be graduating college this year and becoming a loan officer. We hope to move to a bigger place, since our current place is only big as a cardboard box at the moment. So good things are in the works.

J update: Emailed her. No response. Texted her. No response. Are you surprised? Me either.

A Year Later and Some Change

Mood: Sleepy but excited
Pain Scale: 3

It's been a year and some change since I've even thought of this blog! Kstar and I were discussing journals last night when she started to question me about my blog (which I had never let her see) whereupon I got....what's the right word....uncomfortable.

I've always seen blogs/journals as a private place to write thoughts and feelings...contemplate, evaluate, process, word vomit.  I've always been a private person, constantly having a hard time simply talking and sharing about myself. I'm not sure why I do this. Possibly it was part of my upbringing. My dad always told us it was rude to ask people about money and things that make them uncomfortable. Yet I constantly hear people ask others how much they spent on something or keep asking questions although the person is visibly uncomfortable.

Last night Kstar asked me why I was so uncomfortable about it...and I really had to ask myself...Why? (after having a small argument about it). Still trying to figure it out. All I can really come up with is also the reason I don't fully disclose things about myself to strangers or even people I've known for awhile. I'm afraid of judgements, confrontation and discrimination. FEAR. sigh...stoooopid fear. Always such a huge motivator!!

So...I gave her the link...*bites finger nails* I am trying to change and maybe this is a step in the right direction. I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of, but yet I am always concerned about what people will say or how they'll react, so I'd rather not even deal with it. This in turn cheats me out of opportunities and just simple human experience. It's not doing me any good at all. So, I'm ready to try and put myself out there and just deal with, if any at all, negativity that comes my way.

In other news....

I'm participating in a new fitness project with Mindy Myrea! I have to say, it's one of the best decisions I've made in quite awhile. It's a fun and totally random wakadoo thing to do, but that's how I rolll. ;)

Over the next 2 months I will be participating in a new fitness program. The goal of becoming leaner and healthier. I've gained 25 lbs during the last year and a half or so, and I'm soooooooo ready for it to come off. I've been having a hard time motivating myself to do it. So...just what I need some motivating before pics and tons of support and people with the same goals!

How does one come upon such a random wakadoo opportunity?? Well, one day while perusing Craigslist, I came across an ad title. It called to me, said my name, gave me a heart beat of excitement!Click...read..respond..attach picture and small bio....send!!! A couple days later I was asked to come in for an interview (in my sports bra and exercise shorts)...and then the next day asked to participate!!! YAY!! Super awesome! I am sooo lucky to be given this rare opportunity! I love new life experiences, especially ones out of the norm!

Mindy is truly inspiring. She has tons of energy and is just a nonstop bundle of positive vibes!

On our first day we (we being us 30 gals selected) came in for before pictures....ugggggg....in a sports bra and exercise shorts. Yea...that's it. I was dead nervous! When I walked in I was shocked and my knees wobbled a little bit....the room was full of people! AHHHHHH....alll these folks are gonna see my chubby goods AND it's going to be documented!!!! All I could do is chant to myself  "It will be over soon and it's a great opportunity....everyone has a body....it's just a vessel."

We were weighed and measured, photographed (in all types of directions....even my backside...OIE!) and had an on camera interview with Mindy. I thought the photos would be the hardest, but the interview was SUPER hard!! I'm pretty sure I bombed it! Which ties into this whole blog post. I just didn't divulge enough info about me....I was sooo disappointed in myself. Sigh...I stuck to "safe" things, didn't give up really anything of myself. Nothing about Go-Go or Fibro, which were all relevant to some of the questions. SIGH. I also have a hard time just not blanking out...hahahahha! Shit! Oh well...hopefully my next one goes better and that I can be more open.

I was surprised at how much that first day of feeling completely "naked" drained me. I wanted to cry when I got home. It was hard. Very hard.

I am totally digging the program and can feel results already! It's been two days since we started the workouts...I CAN HARDLY WALK!!! LOL! Anyway...I'm super stoked and can't wait to see what this whole adventure brings!! Not only am I getting motivated to be healthier, I get to meet 30+ awesome ladies!

Relationships

Mood: Excited
Pain Scale: 4

Relationships are fuckin' hard. Kstar and I are great for each other, but also go head to head sometimes.

We often bicker with each other, which then turns into an argument and then into silence because neither of us wants to say sorry. I feel like I'm always the one to go to her to make peace. We are both Aries so have the same traits to deal with: stubbornness, pride, always right. We always end up discussing what happened and why and move forward. I think it's good and productive, but often I feel she thinks it's a sign of incompatibility. I disagree. We are both just strong individuals with huge insecurity issues. We just need to learn how to communicate each others languages as well as be more secure with ourselves. I really don't doubt we will make it there! Now if I could just get her not to doubt it either!!

I've been working on my thought processes and communication skills. It's hard work, but is work I really need to do on myself. I've found some workbooks to help me out with it, which so far I've enjoyed immensely and have found very helpful.

It's truly amazing the mean spirited things you say to yourself. I also never really realized how negative my outlook could be sometimes and how often I victimized myself. Sigh. Always hard to break a habit, especially one I've been doing for so long. But I will get there and I'm excited about it!!

Also learning how to communicate what I'm feeling is a challenge. Just to recognize how I'm feeling is a challenge. I really never knew or paid attention to it before. It makes me tired just thinking of it!! I can't wait till it becomes second nature to evaluate it in seconds and to be able to express it in a healthy way.

Unhealthy Expressions I've found:
grudge.laughing.sighing.stewing.pointing finger.

Healthy Alternatives:
accept responsibility for my feelings.ask for what you want.set boundaries.

Hmmmmm....just writing that I realize I am still having a hard time figuring out how to deal with emotions in a given situation. I'm learning what to do, but still having a hard time figuring out how to do them. Oh well...I will practice and learn from each situation. Most of this is cause I have never been good at confrontation. But awareness is the key to change. So I'm on my way and that's all I could ask for!!

Evolution

Mood: Change is in the air
Pain Scale: 4

I was looking at my calendar yesterday and going over the huge changes occurring since I've been in massage school and I was taken aback!! It has only been 2.5 weeks and already I can definitely tell this is going to be life altering.

At orientation, we were introduced to the Seniors. They had already been in the program for six months. Each one made some sort of comment about how being at massage school had changed their life. That we should be aware that this would be a life altering experience. I took it with a grain of salt. Sure, I'm sure it does change peoples lives! We are training for a career! But holy crap...now I really know what they were talking about.

Constant body work. The things coming about because of all this energy and body work is really making me deal with items I had stuffed down and hid. No hiding it now. It's gonna come out weather I like it or not and I will have to make sure I deal with it productively.

Using my energy consistently. I can really tell when I'm being bad to my body and regularly accessing my energy channels also keeps me more in tune with my natural ability to feel energy. This is odd because I had become accustomed to ignoring it or blocking it. I am gonna have to deal with being able to sense people again. Phewy...sometimes this is exhausting and painful. So learning ways to not take on peoples energy is also going to be a must.

A job I love. Just the thought of having a job I absolutely love is life changing in itself!! I truly can't wait to start doing this at least part time. Being able to help people and make them feel good is truly rewarding. And one of the best things is that when I'm done giving body work, I FEEL energized and fantastic. It's weird and was very unexpected.

So, I can tell the next eleven months are going to be a roller coaster of growth and I really can't wait to see me on the other side!!

Hands of Light

Mood: Exhausted
Pain Scale: 6

I've decided to do put my healing energy to work and started massage school!! I am super excited about it. It's been about two weeks since the first day of class and I. AM. LOVING. IT.

I really hadn't anticipated liking it as much as I do. I feel this was exactly what I was looking for, but for some reason didn't see it previously. I had considered enrolling right after J and I broke up, but then re-evaluated and decided against it. That was 2 years ago. I guess the timing just wasn't right at that point.

I also have a new steady girlfriend whom I am really really spun over!! She is truly amazing. Amazing. She is an Aries also and we fire each other up!! Parts of us are sooo similar it's crazy. She has taught me so many things already. We refer to ourselves as Yin and Yang. She reminds me to live in the present and I help to ground her. It's good. VERY GOOD. Sigh. I heart her.

We are both doing massage school, which will last a year. So, we were pretty presumptuous that we won't get sick of each other during that year! It hadn't even crossed our minds until talking to other people about it. I really don't have any reservations about taking the class with her.

So, I am all about learning Shiatsu right now. Phew! It's quite a workout, especially for my small frame. Damn, I wish my legs were longer!!! Shiatsu uses a lot of energy work, which I find particularly exciting to learn about. This is the first time I've actually enjoyed going to school! All school should have been like this...I mean we almost always sit on the floor in a circle while learning!! AWESOME!!

Scared Shitless

I don't want to be insecure.
I don't want to be afraid to love again.
I don't want to have trust issues.

I want to believe you love me.
I want to believe you will be here forever.
I want to think I am enough.

I'm scared.

Chasing My Tail

Mood: Lost
Pain Scale: 4

What the hell am I doing? I can't recall a time where I've felt more lost. I get these crazy impulsive itches to move or quit dancing or quit my social group or to just plain run away from everything!! I'm guessing that it stems down to finding out who I am. I sooo wish I would have gone through this in my 20s like most people. This is a hard task and I am not really enjoying it.

I feel much more comfortable focusing on someone else, thus the reason for my immaturity in the know thy self department. I really don't have a clue what Li Li wants or likes. Let's dissect our current situations:

Dancing: I really like dancing, but starting to despise the sexual attention. I've been reevaluating how I can change that. Not quite sure at this point other than to try and keep work and friends separate. May just quit, but told myself to wait a couple of weeks to see if I feel the same. I would really miss the added income!

Work: is boring! Positives are: pays the bills, great coworkers, stability, flexible. Negatives: goes no where, golden leash, San Jose, does not challenge my abilities.

San Jose: I so don't like living here!! This town blows!! Reasons for staying: friends, job, Lucky. Reasons for leaving: happiness, friends, family. The biggest reason for not REALLY checking into leaving at this point is money and economy. I would like to pay off some bills and the rest of my car before such a big move. Also the economy really sucks right now and I'm afraid I wouldn't find another job!! So the main thing in my way is fear!

Lucky: So I've been dating Lucky and I really like her. I like her too much. She is about 6 months out of a 4yr relationship and I know she is still dealing with some of the aftermath. I too am still dealing with lingering baggage. I am trying not to be too crushed out, but it's hard because she is awesome! I keep putting on one running shoe in preparation to just run, but I'm trying not to let fears get the better of me! HA! Maybe it's better to just run instead of getting hurt, but then again I feel it could be worth the risk. This one really gets me. Still evaluating. Trying to just stay light.

J: This MaHa is just plain pissing me off. I know I need to quit finding closure from her. Her evasiveness and open ended responses just keep me spinning into no where. I don't know why I get the wild hair up my ass every so often to contact her. STOP IT!! It's like some crazy addiction. How twisted is that?

Wants: TRUE friends...damn this is a hard question...to live some where fulfilling, to feel accomplished, a goal.

Hmmmm...don't know if this list shed any light for me. Maybe if I reread it in a couple of days, I will see something.

Relapse of Sorts

Mood: Sad, PMS, Tired
Pain Scale: 8

I'm not quite sure why, but lately I have been SUPER sad again over J. Maybe it's cause the therapy sessions are bringing it up and making me deal with it all or maybe it's just the time of year or maybe it's just my damn PMS.

It will be two years ago this coming Tuesday. That dreaded day I confronted her and realized life as I knew it was changing drastically. I've cried twice in the last week over the loss. I haven't cried about it in about 6 months. I HATE crying. H-A-T-E it.

At this point from what I can gather is I'm sad over that fact that she doesn't want anything to do with me!! I don't get this!! She just wants to forget me, pretend we never happened, go on with life like I was never there. It's very hurtful. Another J wound slashed on top of another. *sigh*

I guess what kills me is that /I/ keep on trying!! I've gone over it in therapy. I'm looking for closure from her, which I will most likely NEVER get, but keep trying to obtain it. I know at some point I will figure a way to suture it closed my damn self!

Sick Sick Sick

Mood: Tired and sick
Pain Scale: 6

Can I just tell you how sick I am of being sick!! I'm coming up on 5 (yes, she said FIVE) weeks of this yucky, crappy, coughy, congested, tired iks!! Got a doc appointment this afternoon. I will have to revisit the conversation we had in October about there being something wrong with me!! There just has to be! I've never been this sick in my life! Today I was totalling it up and in the last 6 months I've been sick at least once a month! That is WAY too much to be normal. And...it takes my body FOREVER to kick it!

Last October is when I asked for my blood tests because I was tired of being sick ALL the time back then! They told me everything was normal...how can this be? There must be something afoot here! Obviously my body can't fend for itself because it's already sent out the troops for some other fight! Well, hopefully today they will send me someplace to be poked and prodded to find out what the HELL is going on!

I don't have much hope about all that though. In my experience doctors don't ever REALLY know what's going on!! Sorry to the docs out there, but....it's kinda true.

So cross your fingers I get some antibiotic for now and some tests that help answer the question "What the hell is going on with this body?"

Day and Life

Mood: Whatever
Pain Scale: 7

Rolling along here...sometimes at light speed and sometimes at a slow crawl. I've been keeping myself pretty busy with work, socializing and volunteering. Been seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. I do NOT think this is much fun. Good for me I suppose.

Wasn't lookin' to date anyone, but then again it always happens when we aren't looking. It's someone I've known from years ago. She lives in Santa Cruz which is about 30-45 min from here. It's good. The distance. It keeps my crazy intense Aries in check. I'm just taking it one day at a time and not getting all wrapped up in it. I do like her quite a lot which scares the CRAP out of me. So much that I thought I should take the risk to at least explore it! Sooooo didn't want to do that, but when you feel something, you feel something. Be stupid not to investigate a mutual feeling.

Been almost overwhelmed with socialization. Always some crazy lesbian drama going down. I don't do drama!! I'm ready for a low key weekend without so much social stimulus.

Decompress.

I wish...

we had gone to counseling
I knew what I was doing
I didn't hurt so much
I had some direction
I wasn't so neurotic
I didn't have Fibromyalgia
I would have went to college while I was younger
you were still with me
I was in Portland
Cindy were here
I was stronger
texting was NEVER invented
it was 5pm

Arg!!!

Pain Scale: 8
Mood: Glad it's Friday

So much has happened since I last posted!! I've been super busy with protesting, dancing and just hanging with new people the I've been neglecting blog land.

1st off YAY!! for our new president!!! 2nd...what in the HELL California!! What an upset. So LAME. LAME. LAME. LAME.

Well for all of you out there that are also outraged by the passing of Prop 8, tomorrow is your chance to stand up in your own state and fight H8!!! There is going to be a national march November 15th. Everyone is to end up at their City Hall by 10:30. Check here to find the site nearest you and more info!! I urge EVERYONE to get out there and be seen and heard!!!

No on 8 Rally

Mood: Hyped
Pain Scale: 4

On Sunday I attended the biggest Northern California rally against prop 8!! It was awesome!! There were 175 people there. We were LOUD!!! Tons of support from the cars, lots of honking and thumbs up signs.

Got a couple of negative responses, but that is to be expected. It was so awesome to be a part of this. I've been waiting for a chance to get out there and be heard and this was the perfect opportunity.

I made 4 signs for my friends and I. They said:

1. Every Family Deserves = Protection
2. Love = Love
3. Honk for Marriage Equality
4. I don't tell U who U can't marry

It was awesome! There is another one taking place this Sunday and I plan to attend that one as well! Hopefully we'll have even more people. Someone made a video and I've posted it below. Can't really see me, but I'm in there!

.