Mood: ContemplativePain Scale: 8
Well...I broke 15's heart. I called the whole thing off. I know...how heartless. I had many reasons for this, but the biggest was I'm just not ready for another huge relationship. I want to be selfish. I don't want to compromise with someone else. When you find your mind and heart consumed so much with the past, you're just not ready for the future.
Why don't I ever listen!!! I shouldn't have even gotten into a relationship so soon!! I don't regret going with my heart, but I do regret causing her so much pain.
Back when I met her it was just too hard to ignore the feelings I had for her (and still have), so I thought I would try her on and work on myself at the same time. Doesn't work. I need 100% for me. I really under estimated how much damage I acquired from the last relationship. I have a lot of work to do before I can commit to someone fully.
There were also parts of her personality that brought flashbacks of the past relationship and I did not want to go back there. I guess you really do fall for the same type of person.
I felt really bad being the cause of such tremendous heartache. I feel like I just shared part of my damage with someone that could have done without it. I am really glad I met her though and I wish we could remain friends. I know that's impossible because of our level of attraction for each other, but who knows.
So...I'm back in the fish pond. Part of me is excited and another is scared shit less cause I really haven't ever been alone.
But I'm committed to learning about me. I have a lot to learn as well as a lot to heal. I don't know how long it will take, but at this point I'm pretty sure it will take me awhile.
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Thanks for all the encouraging words!!! It really helped me out and felt like someone was listening to me (which I really needed)!! HUGS to you all!!!
5 comments:
Good for you! Email me anytime. i'm right there with you!! We can swim together to figure us each out!!
Wow- that is rough! I feel for 15, but I think you are doing something really good for yourself! You may find this next journey to be veeeeery long. But heye, you may pick up a hitch hiker or two along the way... those can make for some fun little pit stops!
I'm sorry for the pain you both are going through, but it says a lot about your character that you broke it off at this point, and were honest to her and yourself - you will be better prepared for the right person in the future, and you'll learn a lot about yourself during this time! I wish you TONS of good luck.
You had to do what you felt was right... And it's true... You have to look out for yourself first, because no one else will. You have to be what's most important to you right now, and you have to be strong for yourself. If your relationship was meant to be, it'll rekindle in the future, otherwise, it's better this way. I feel for you though, I know how hard these things can be...
Hey sweetie,
You have to do what is right for you. Go for it! Don't wait until 50 to figure out who you are. (: You deserve the best and who better to give it to you than yourself.
Love mom
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