Mood: Trying not to be angryPain Scale: 4
I know hatred is a strong word and I used to not have room for it in my life, but ever since the EX, I've harbored it. I suppose it metamorphosed from the intense love I had for her. In fact part of me still has love for her which fuels the hatred more. I had never really felt hatred before and I wish it never slithered it's way into my life. But it's here and now I have to contend with it.
Lately I've been overcome with hatred towards her. I'm not too sure where it's coming from, but I'm having a hard time taming it. Since I haven't had much experience with this evil family member of love, I don't quite know what to do with it. I'm hoping writing about it will help keep the roar down.
All I really want to do is tell her (well maybe not tell her, but yell at her) about all the scars she left, what I think of her and that what she did just really really really sucks!!! But, I've said all those things to her and I know it doesn't change anything. She will always be the same.
I guess part of it is just the frustration of starting over in life and realizing someone that close could treat you that way. Going back to square one when you thought you had it all mapped out. Thought you had a family. Thought you had found the ONE. Realizing that you gave too much of yourself to someone who didn't return the favor or even respect you. Feeling cheated and swindled. Feeling you worked so hard and got nothing but scars in return. How could I have been sooo blind?? How could I have missed that everything I thought I was doing for our future was only benefiting her??? How did I let her be in the position to steal so much from me?? And then after all those thoughts remember that she moved on long ago and doesn't even give you a second thought, doesn't have to bear these scars that effect your outlook on life now....see how much fuel there is for the fire.
I'm trying to put to use the lesson I have learned, which is always fend for yourself. Never put someone ahead of yourself. Be selfish!! It's not a bad thing. Now when 15 wants me to do something and I don't want to, I say NO. Even if it results in a disagreement. When I want to wear something I like, even if no one else likes it, I wear it. I will never again help someone build their career while putting my life goals on hold. NEVER. I will look out for me first, others second. I will never again fall for the false promise that my turn is coming.
I want to love carefree again, but the scars make it hard to love the way I used to. I'm just not the same. I can close off. I can jump to conclusions. I can blame where there is innocence. Love is now bumpy. I have baggage. Another area which fans the flames. I hate the baggage I now carry and have to deal with. Sucks.
I tell you...I could have really done without this experience!! I just wish there was a way that J could experience what she has put me through. I've always felt that she never understood how her actions affected me and I'm sure she never will. She never listened or truly cared about anyone but herself. I guess that's why we were such a match, a selfish with a selfless. Stupid me.
5 comments:
I totally understand where you're coming from. Having been in your same shoes after a 5 year relationship where I gave up everything and everyone for my ex, I came to a place where I was left stranded, like a deer caught in headlights. Unsure of what to do or where to turn.
And it's happened again, after a 2 year relationship. I can't believe I went down that road again. I guess love truly makes some of us blind, or maybe I was too young during the first event and didn't truly learn my lesson. Call it what you may, it sucks. I dont like hate, I usually have no place for it in my life, but in this case, I can't help it. In my case, even after 4 years of having broken up, it's still there for my ex, and when she comes in contact with me and tells me how badly she's doing, there's still spiteful words on my behalf and constantly reminding her that she's only getting her comeuppance.
But don't fret. It took my ex 4 years to feel in her own skin what she did to me, but it's true... Whatever goes around, comes around, and although it won't heal you completely, it feels damn good...
That is not hate, that is what lost of trust and hope dying feels like.
I agree with Cedar.
I am so sorry. I feel your pain. Each and every day. It sucks. They suck when they think that they can just use us however they want and yet, we still love them. I don't get it. When will the love be reciprocated and at what point will we ever even be open to it after the loss of trust we have?
I think you're incredibly strong. It's a hard thing to limit or cut-off the communication when you still have those old feelings of love towards her. It's not "stupid me"....but rather - STUPID HER! She was obviously very selfish and never knew what love really meant. It will get easier with time....but it doesn't happen quickly....and unfortunately, the pain remains. Well, the people who have followed your story are very proud of you for being so strong. You are SO much better off without her in your life...and it's great what you said about your relationship with 15. YOU say NO when YOU want to. Go girl :)
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