Mood: Angry
Pain Scale: 7
I have found that I still harbor a lot of anger towards J. It could be that it's being amplified by my PMS, but nevertheless I've felt it strongly this last week. I've had a hard time not saying mean things to her or calling her just to rant and rave at how I think this sucks and how unfair and heartless it is.
Sometimes shock hits me unexpectedly as I fumble through this totally new life and the anger and hurt come tumbling back. My path has totally been unpaved. The future I had worked for and visualized after so many years has been carelessly tossed away like a meaningless piece of trash. Sometimes I remember conversations we had about our plans, our hopes and our dreams. I get so infuriated that she had some of those conversations with me while she knew she was planning something different. She was already repaving her path while destroying mine after each blind footstep I took.
I replay some of her actions the month before I found out. She was so cold, calculating and selfish. Even some of the things she said when I confronted her still shocks me. I guess even when I look back, she has always been selfish, I just never recognized it for what it was.
I do blame myself for some of this. I put too many of my interests aside for hers. I foolishly put all my eggs in one basket. I let her be more important than me. I ignored the hard lesson I have already learned; No matter how much you think you know someone, you NEVER really do. Touché!
It just kills me that she could be so heartless and cold.
The hardest part I've found is not mending my heart, but trusting in someone else. I will have a hard time with that. I also wonder if a chance for a family has passed me by. Everyone comments that I'm still young, but I know I'm going to have issues when it comes to trying to get pregnant again. Not physical, but emotional. I have a feeling that starting that process again will trigger bad feelings and memories. I have a lot of anger towards that as well. What a mind-fuck she did. I don't think she can even imagine the damage she caused there. Only someone who's been doing the whole TTC thing could understand the mental, emotional and physical preparation you go trough trying to conceive and then to have your partner cheat during that process!!! WTF??? Well...at least I found out before we got pregnant. I am VERY thankful for that. Things always happen for a reason...right?
So, screw you J. I don't want to know you anymore. You don't deserve to be in my life. You don't get any part of me. You let me go. I'm taking care of me now, NOT YOU!
3 comments:
Wow! It is so fun to hear from you and by the sounds of it, we just missed each other in Portland :( We just got back today after a nine day visit with the family. It is wonderful to read about your life and I'm sad that there has been such heartache lately. Speaking from a committed relationship, it is worth the risk, so maybe 15 is the one. Don't you like how I just jump back into your life and give you some advice? You can kick me when we finally see one another in person. I found some hilarious pictures of us in my mom's basement. The fashion alone could take a paragraph. OK, I should really just email you instead of going on and on. Let's just say, YEA! I'm thrilled to hear from you and I send lots and lots of love! XOXO
hi again. I just went through and read some of your archives and I am even more devastated for you. You obviously were taking the hugest risk a couple can: making a baby. I send love and comfort your way. Sorry if I sounded flippant in my previous comment--I was just so excited to hear from you. XOXO
Wow, how unbelievably well-put. You will find someone amazing, I have no doubt about that, and I don't even know you!! Thoughts are with you during this difficult time. It will get better, and you will be stronger girl!
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